Transience

I find myself wondering at the transience of .... life I guess...

We have moved so many times I'm not sure if I will ever feel truly home anywhere... and I'm used to it.  It doesn't bother me any more.  I hope my kids have a greater sense of stability, but an even greater sense of family and loyalty and love and trust.

What really has me thinking though, is the transience of people in my life.
Some have been there forever... Joy and Diane stand out.  Regardless of distance or time
apart, they aren't transient... they are permanent, forever friends.  ... even if I were a complete jerk and did something horribly  bad to them, they would let me get my stuff together and welcome me back with open arms.  They are quality people and they love me.  And I love them.

What gets me is that there are people who I come to care for and enjoy their friendship and they have a bad day and they are out of my life. Maybe I am a complete moron... and I have not ruled this out... but everyone is entitled to a bad day or a frustrating rant or whatever.   Its ok to acknowledge that it is what it is... but do you throw a friendship away over a bad day?   Apparently so.   Even if all is apologised, forgiven and put behind ... transient friends.  I would never throw a friend away.

Friendship is a two way street though.  I am thinking, with few exceptions, a lot of folks don't know how to or want to have lifelong friendships.  Its ok to mess up.  One lady I know, and used to be close to made a mistake which I thought was no big deal... but it is to her.  She can't get over this.  And our friendship is no more because of it.  

This past week I told someone I didn't like it when they were rude to me.  This person was rude... said they were "not refined" and having a bad day.  And I didn't get it.  Apparently I am an idiot, because I didn't.   I don't.   I don't know why a bad day means the whole friendship doesn't matter.

Yes, I have struggled with self worth for a long time.  For the first time, this doesn't affect my sense of who I am.   For all the people who would rather leave a friendship than offer an apology, I feel badly for you.  You were an idiot and were also forgiven.  I will be an idiot someday and would appreciate forgiveness. Maybe I was...  I do not understand where people are coming from when they refuse to be blunt in what they are saying.  I am not good at reading "beat around the bush" and never have been.

Right now, there is so much good going on in my life, that I would like to share it.  I am excited about what is and the possibilities of what may be in the future.  The only thing that makes me sad is that some friends, who I deeply care about, don't seem to want to be in my future.   On a positive note, someday.... being transient may be a good thing.   Someday, I may need to uproot and it will be easier if my roots aren't too strong.

My Tribute

There is a song that goes..

How can I say thanks
For the things You have done for me,
Things so undeserved,
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.

To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
With His power He has raised me,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
© 1971, Andrae Crouch


Somehow, in all the bustle of Thanksgiving... and being
thankful for family, friends, food... stuff...   I forgot to be
thankful for the most important of all!!  My Tribute... go up
and read it again!!

whew!!

And just like that... looking into someone's eyes and sharing from your heart changes it all!!!
Founders of Skype... Praying remarkable and amazing blessings on you!!!

Maybe the more important the person to whom you are communicating, the more bungled the job becomes...  over thinking, over interpreting, what ever!!! 

But when it all slows down, and you look into his eyes... and smile... and he smiles back and his eyes spark... you just know... what ever fear you had doesn't really exist...

And you are even almost willing to cheer for the Bruins, just to make him happy... because seeing him smile is more important than cheering for a team you haven't watch play for years anyway.  Bruins though??  This is BIG!!!  But still an almost....

I've never actually wanted to Skype before... but if I get to see him... I'm OK with him being able to stare at me... and see every eyeball roll!!  I am still smiling... and headed for bed now.

Wow! Didn't see that one coming!!

This seems to be a recurring theme in my life... 
Wow!!  Didn't see that one coming!!!

Sometimes great!  Sometimes not!
Would I like to see a month or 2 or 17 go smoothly and exactly as planned??
Why yes, yes I would!
I have 2 or 3 datebooks going at any time.  I love to be scheduled and planned,
though I am flexible.... I have to be because my plans are jokes!!!  Yes... jokes!!

But sometimes, the plan that backfires in one way, brings good things in another.
Being hurt today helped a friend open up about their pain in a way that hadn't been possible before.
As this friend is terrifically important to me, I am thankful for whatever it took to put me
in a place for them to open up... just a little.
We helped each other smile.. from a distance... and maybe even laugh.

Still, the part of my life that hurts... is huge.  Why can't men and women communicate better?
Why do I have such a hard time hearing what is being said to me?

I know that insecurities play a part... but I don't think shouldering all the blame is right either.  Quite honestly... I have always just accepted all the blame for whatever to make everyone else feel better... but I promised never to do that again.  No relationship is perfect... its hard to figure it all out.  Its fun to figure it all out.  Its devastating to be misunderstood and to misunderstand...

Is it worth it?  This one is!  But I know for sure...  I never want to START another relationship again... ever.  Putting yourself on the line is opening yourself up for all kinds of hurt.  Intentional or no...
Leaving an abusive relationship makes sense.... feeling like you may be missing out on something wonderful with someone incredible is beyond sad. 

All I know is, this is so important... and my hope is that we can work through this.  I have one person who I can talk to about everything... even a little of this... and a lot of how it makes me feel.   I just wish that person was the one I am crazy about!  I have never been so attracted to someone who has treated me well before... and don't want it to end.

Sometimes I feel like I am the person no one of worth could ever care about.  But the King of the Universe thinks I am of utmost value.  And has proven it!!
Today I don't feel like a princess.... I feel like a pauper... an untouchable... But the King of the Universe has adopted me... I am a princess... whether I feel like it or not.   And my friend... who didn't call me a princess today (thanks bud)... I told him I didn't want to be called that again.. and he was having his own day... anyhow... usually tells me I am.

Time to go tuck in little boys and pick up my girls... and maybe do more laundry.... my life is so exciting!!! 

Am still feeling numb inside.  I think the things that are coming are taking their toll.  Know it!!  Today I said I hated the happy, hopeful me.  OK, am still kind of there.  Thankfully, feeling good all the time isn't a requirement of life.   I had the perfect weekend.  Sometimes when you have something perfect the enemy tries to destroy it.  Yes... a weekend of perfect happiness for the second time... its more than some have in their lifetime... but I am greedy enough to want more.

Gotta run!!!  Sorry if anyone read this drivel.... this post was completely for me!!

What do I want?

Why can't I just say what I want??

When asked what I want... I freeze.  I just freeze.
Do you want....?  If I say no, its a lie.... yes is the answer...
But it sticks in my mouth.

The more deeply I want to say yes, the more impossible it is.
And the battle to say yes is crushing me.

Why can't I allow myself to want.

I can want to help.  I can want to give.  I can want to provide wants for my kids.
But not for me.
So tonight... the question is asked...
Do you want.....??

And I could only answer when I knew it was too late.

The answer.... it was yes.

I want to stay grounded!!

These have been a crazy few days... not because of all the "stuff" we had to do..... even though we certainly had a lot going on.... but because I came ungrounded.

There is a problem with being ungrounded, because it starts so subtly and slowly you don't know its happening... UNTIL.... you turn into an emotional yo-yo!!  I wish I could say this is the first time its ever happened.... or the last time it ever will... but it has before and may again!

It starts like this...
First everything is fine.  I am focused on what I should be focused on, spend time in God's word, sing and dance and do my daily jobs with joy and its all good!!  Things come up and I deal with them... well!!! 
and then
I get lax.  Maybe I skip my devos or stop focusing on the Lord altogether.  My daily stuff becomes overwhelming, dancing and singing slowly disappear and suddenly I'm stressed.
Because of the stress every crisis becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be.   I don't like myself and don't trust others... STOP!!!!

Walking in strength and power is what I am called to do... not my strength or power... HIS!!  Its free!
Whoo hoo!!  Sure it may look like its mine... but just because I am taking it. 

By the way... I want to be like Jesus.
ok??  Isn't that what most of us want?  I don't think so, because what we hear about Jesus and what the Bible says about Jesus do not jive... at all. 

Jesus was a strong, powerful man who did not go along with mainstream society.  He was a rebel... a zealot... and everyone noticed.  Yes, he was a teacher, gentle, good and kind EXCEPT His teachings flew in the face of the religious traditions of His day.  He argued with the religious authorities and called them a few choice names.  Not to mention the infamous day he took out a bunch of merchants with a whip and did some major damage to their kiosks in the temple.

He wasn't a wimp, or a doormat by any means.  He knew who He was and why He was on this planet and allowed no one to dissuade Him.  If there was a wrong, He often just dealt with it... either in a physical way OR a verbal way.  He was brilliant and of course knew exactly what to say to get His point across in the most clear way possible... unless He hid His point purposefully from all those except who He chose to have "in the know".

Being like Jesus does not mean lying down and letting everyone run over you.  It doesn't mean being holier than thou and looking down on those who aren't perfect.  It doesn't mean turning your back on those who are struggling... It doesn't mean taking a vow of poverty or being alone.

These days, we seem to be so afraid of how things may appear that we have lost sight of who Christ is!!!  He is the guy who spent some major alone time with a woman who had several husbands and live in boyfriends and was considered the town slut.  HE hung out with her!!!  In fact, he hung out with prostitutes and sinners.  That was what he was known for!! 

What kind of reputation was He after? 

He wasn't. 

He didn't care what people said.  He was there for everyone and anyone and to heck with anyone that  didn't care for how He did that.  There was a time to be quietly firm... but a time to be in your face as well.  I am learning to stand up for my family.... and for me.   Part of me hates that I have to put someone else out... but I am now putting my job as head of this household ahead of people who aren't in this household... and I am not sorry... nor do I feel guilty.

I will make friends and maintain them at my comfort level.... I keep in close contact with those who are uplifting and also have the guts to say... "what's your problem lately?  you are all over the place?  where is your faith?"   
I am also liking the encouragement... "I'm proud of you"  "great job"...  this goes a long way.

There are those who treat me like Jesus would who don't even know Him... and I would be happy to make that introduction... and some who know Him and certainly don't treat me (or anyone else) like Christ would.. and that is really sad.

So... thanks to my online journal... I can get all this out... and read it in a month or 2... and be able to look back and see if I remember. 

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a  future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

And then... I am grounded again!!!

Sometimes I think I'm an idiot!!

Yes.... an idiot!

Why is it that when it isn't important to have the right words, they just flow out??  The flow is deep, clear, abundant and simple!!  But when its vitally important to have the right words they stick, become murky and cloudy and you end up making yours and someone else's life miserable.... for a time.

Today was one of those days.  I can not for the life of me communicate how I feel and think to someone who is incredibly important to me.  The more I try, the more mess I am making of it.... so I quit trying.... for now.

I love words.  I read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun... but not the phone book as that would be weird.  Reading books of all types is a joy to me.  Turning a sentence so it drips with the correct meaning is a delight.  Insulting someone you care about while trying to do the complete opposite and knowing you wounded their spirit fills me with grief.

And tonight I did that.

And that person does not have access to this blog.

So... I will cry and pray and try again tomorrow...
or... cry and pray and chicken out tomorrow....

Sometimes I think I am a complete idiot...
this is one of those times....

I am so sorry

Gone.... all gone...

All the pictures in the blog will never be there again!!

Some of the posts will simply no longer make sense...
How sad is that!?!?

lots and lots of triangles with exclamation marks are my new look...

Dare I??? Dare I???

Regrettably, I am a person who can't resist a good challenge.  Just when I think everything is going smoothly... someone issues a challenge either intentionally or by happenstance.

This summer I was challenged and stretched beyond my very boring comfort zone... sometimes by folks I don't even know... and  bam!!!  My life opened up!!

Caitie is going to completely remake me... her challenges ... dares if you will.... are mainly to have me accept myself and be the best me I can be!

Bonnie, with the hair thing, every month is a dare!!!  And I rise to the challenge and just let her do what she will my my locks KNOWING if she messes it up too badly.. I know where she lives.
She also challenged me to sing... on a platform... with a microphone ... OH MY!!!

I'm the one who would just mouth the words in church if there were someone sitting directly in front of me!! 

So now.... a wee challenge... just a thought of a challenge... it was a 'YOU SHOULD"...
You should blog!!!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

And it just so happened I already had one!!  I had loved my online journal and now am in a place to pick it up again!!

This had been put to rest  because I really don't want to be in the head of the woman who had been living in her own private hell.... I want to remember the woman who came out the other side... stronger and more sure of my Heavenly Father than ever!!
I want to remember my kids... and my grandkids... and have them know me..
And if y'all are bored enough to read my drivel.. s'ok with me.

Warning... I fall into moods where grammar is left off the blog and whatever comes out, comes out!!

Welcome back to this mess!!  Not sure how I got into it and really have no desire to get completely out of it!!
The blog was an accident in the beginning.. the name of it was a cry for blogger help me get out of this bloggy mess!!!  But ... I really love it... my baby!!

Thanks Francine!!