What do I want?

Why can't I just say what I want??

When asked what I want... I freeze.  I just freeze.
Do you want....?  If I say no, its a lie.... yes is the answer...
But it sticks in my mouth.

The more deeply I want to say yes, the more impossible it is.
And the battle to say yes is crushing me.

Why can't I allow myself to want.

I can want to help.  I can want to give.  I can want to provide wants for my kids.
But not for me.
So tonight... the question is asked...
Do you want.....??

And I could only answer when I knew it was too late.

The answer.... it was yes.

I want to stay grounded!!

These have been a crazy few days... not because of all the "stuff" we had to do..... even though we certainly had a lot going on.... but because I came ungrounded.

There is a problem with being ungrounded, because it starts so subtly and slowly you don't know its happening... UNTIL.... you turn into an emotional yo-yo!!  I wish I could say this is the first time its ever happened.... or the last time it ever will... but it has before and may again!

It starts like this...
First everything is fine.  I am focused on what I should be focused on, spend time in God's word, sing and dance and do my daily jobs with joy and its all good!!  Things come up and I deal with them... well!!! 
and then
I get lax.  Maybe I skip my devos or stop focusing on the Lord altogether.  My daily stuff becomes overwhelming, dancing and singing slowly disappear and suddenly I'm stressed.
Because of the stress every crisis becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be.   I don't like myself and don't trust others... STOP!!!!

Walking in strength and power is what I am called to do... not my strength or power... HIS!!  Its free!
Whoo hoo!!  Sure it may look like its mine... but just because I am taking it. 

By the way... I want to be like Jesus.
ok??  Isn't that what most of us want?  I don't think so, because what we hear about Jesus and what the Bible says about Jesus do not jive... at all. 

Jesus was a strong, powerful man who did not go along with mainstream society.  He was a rebel... a zealot... and everyone noticed.  Yes, he was a teacher, gentle, good and kind EXCEPT His teachings flew in the face of the religious traditions of His day.  He argued with the religious authorities and called them a few choice names.  Not to mention the infamous day he took out a bunch of merchants with a whip and did some major damage to their kiosks in the temple.

He wasn't a wimp, or a doormat by any means.  He knew who He was and why He was on this planet and allowed no one to dissuade Him.  If there was a wrong, He often just dealt with it... either in a physical way OR a verbal way.  He was brilliant and of course knew exactly what to say to get His point across in the most clear way possible... unless He hid His point purposefully from all those except who He chose to have "in the know".

Being like Jesus does not mean lying down and letting everyone run over you.  It doesn't mean being holier than thou and looking down on those who aren't perfect.  It doesn't mean turning your back on those who are struggling... It doesn't mean taking a vow of poverty or being alone.

These days, we seem to be so afraid of how things may appear that we have lost sight of who Christ is!!!  He is the guy who spent some major alone time with a woman who had several husbands and live in boyfriends and was considered the town slut.  HE hung out with her!!!  In fact, he hung out with prostitutes and sinners.  That was what he was known for!! 

What kind of reputation was He after? 

He wasn't. 

He didn't care what people said.  He was there for everyone and anyone and to heck with anyone that  didn't care for how He did that.  There was a time to be quietly firm... but a time to be in your face as well.  I am learning to stand up for my family.... and for me.   Part of me hates that I have to put someone else out... but I am now putting my job as head of this household ahead of people who aren't in this household... and I am not sorry... nor do I feel guilty.

I will make friends and maintain them at my comfort level.... I keep in close contact with those who are uplifting and also have the guts to say... "what's your problem lately?  you are all over the place?  where is your faith?"   
I am also liking the encouragement... "I'm proud of you"  "great job"...  this goes a long way.

There are those who treat me like Jesus would who don't even know Him... and I would be happy to make that introduction... and some who know Him and certainly don't treat me (or anyone else) like Christ would.. and that is really sad.

So... thanks to my online journal... I can get all this out... and read it in a month or 2... and be able to look back and see if I remember. 

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a  future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

And then... I am grounded again!!!

Sometimes I think I'm an idiot!!

Yes.... an idiot!

Why is it that when it isn't important to have the right words, they just flow out??  The flow is deep, clear, abundant and simple!!  But when its vitally important to have the right words they stick, become murky and cloudy and you end up making yours and someone else's life miserable.... for a time.

Today was one of those days.  I can not for the life of me communicate how I feel and think to someone who is incredibly important to me.  The more I try, the more mess I am making of it.... so I quit trying.... for now.

I love words.  I read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun... but not the phone book as that would be weird.  Reading books of all types is a joy to me.  Turning a sentence so it drips with the correct meaning is a delight.  Insulting someone you care about while trying to do the complete opposite and knowing you wounded their spirit fills me with grief.

And tonight I did that.

And that person does not have access to this blog.

So... I will cry and pray and try again tomorrow...
or... cry and pray and chicken out tomorrow....

Sometimes I think I am a complete idiot...
this is one of those times....

I am so sorry

Gone.... all gone...

All the pictures in the blog will never be there again!!

Some of the posts will simply no longer make sense...
How sad is that!?!?

lots and lots of triangles with exclamation marks are my new look...

Dare I??? Dare I???

Regrettably, I am a person who can't resist a good challenge.  Just when I think everything is going smoothly... someone issues a challenge either intentionally or by happenstance.

This summer I was challenged and stretched beyond my very boring comfort zone... sometimes by folks I don't even know... and  bam!!!  My life opened up!!

Caitie is going to completely remake me... her challenges ... dares if you will.... are mainly to have me accept myself and be the best me I can be!

Bonnie, with the hair thing, every month is a dare!!!  And I rise to the challenge and just let her do what she will my my locks KNOWING if she messes it up too badly.. I know where she lives.
She also challenged me to sing... on a platform... with a microphone ... OH MY!!!

I'm the one who would just mouth the words in church if there were someone sitting directly in front of me!! 

So now.... a wee challenge... just a thought of a challenge... it was a 'YOU SHOULD"...
You should blog!!!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

And it just so happened I already had one!!  I had loved my online journal and now am in a place to pick it up again!!

This had been put to rest  because I really don't want to be in the head of the woman who had been living in her own private hell.... I want to remember the woman who came out the other side... stronger and more sure of my Heavenly Father than ever!!
I want to remember my kids... and my grandkids... and have them know me..
And if y'all are bored enough to read my drivel.. s'ok with me.

Warning... I fall into moods where grammar is left off the blog and whatever comes out, comes out!!

Welcome back to this mess!!  Not sure how I got into it and really have no desire to get completely out of it!!
The blog was an accident in the beginning.. the name of it was a cry for blogger help me get out of this bloggy mess!!!  But ... I really love it... my baby!!

Thanks Francine!!