Happy Mother's Day!
What a crock... I despise Mother's Day.
Sure, it may be great if you have a husband who appreciates the work you do... because you do a lot of work as a mom... otherwise, its horrid.
Take today.
The older kids don't like being told they should appreciate their mom so they do the opposite. It became a day of them telling me everything they don't like about me as the little ones, who are horrified, try their darnedest to make it all better.
The older kids were horribly defiant, disrespectful, disobedient... it was over the top. One was asked to tidy his room, so he completely trashed it. He was smashing what could be smashed, emptying drawers, throwing mattresses, putting holes in the walls, etc...
One was asked to help clean the kitchen. That one told me to "frig off" and that she was not going to be my slave anymore.
The third one decided if the older 2 didn't have to help out or be even remotely respectful that he wouldn't listen either.. and told me so... and was disciplined.
I told them if they were planning to be like that, then they could pack up and go NOW before they poisoned the younger ones. So they left.
And the younger kids were thrilled. Here is the issue. The older ones have been so nasty, the younger ones hope they will never come back. Its sad.
I then called the church and quit. I have begged for help with the boys especially for over a year. I haven't received any. If I needed a physical thing, like a space heater or help with basement flooding the people at the church have been great. But, I need help with my boys needing a mentor. Today there was a lot of anger spilled out by a boy who needs a dad. I am not excusing his behaviour, but he needs someone to put some time in and do guy stuff. Everyone is too busy. No one cares enough. And we know it. My kid knows it.
I have asked everyone I can think of for help. No one will. I can't raise this kid with him this angry. I can't go to church and hear about how single moms have the hardest job in the universe and how its up to the church and family to stand with these moms, help them out, blah, blah, blah... when its all talk, no action, and I'm left holding the bag.
I've gone to church for 40 years now and have somehow missed completely where all this love and help stuff comes from. I've tried to help people if I can... but is that all just a ploy to get stupid people like myself to give of myself. When I have needed help the most, help is not available. I am losing my kids. They think church is a joke. They think God is a joke. They think I am a joke because they know that no one really gives a heck about me at any church we've been in.
The pastor and I have had quite the altercation today and I still don't feel he gets what I'm talking about at all.
My three older kids are out there and even though I love them dearly.... I'm glad they aren't here. I have had enough of disobedience and kids telling me off.
Most days I wish this life was just a bad dream.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Myth Busters
Wow, we made it through this week.
This week, we had 7 kids with the flu.
Somehow Matt and I escaped the violence of the stomach flu.
Of course, those who were sick got lots and lots of sleep where Matt and I didn't.
Caitlyn asked me if I didn't regret being sick as I got to have 4 nights of next to NO SLEEP.
The best part was, after the 4th night of NO SLEEP, at 10 am, a very put together woman showed up at my door... stepped into my kitchen (my horribly messy kitchen) where the kids had hooked the laptop to the TV and were watching a movie. I can't seem to come up with a good reason the "Bolt" is a bona fide homeschool project.
Some people have the delusion that I am up at the crack of dawn, shower and dress with my best MK face, make a "hearty breakfast" and the kids are happily homeschooling at 9am with their rooms clean and devotions done. That may be what I aspire to, but certainly this was not the case yesterday morning.
Drat, another myth busted!
This week, we had 7 kids with the flu.
Somehow Matt and I escaped the violence of the stomach flu.
Of course, those who were sick got lots and lots of sleep where Matt and I didn't.
Caitlyn asked me if I didn't regret being sick as I got to have 4 nights of next to NO SLEEP.
The best part was, after the 4th night of NO SLEEP, at 10 am, a very put together woman showed up at my door... stepped into my kitchen (my horribly messy kitchen) where the kids had hooked the laptop to the TV and were watching a movie. I can't seem to come up with a good reason the "Bolt" is a bona fide homeschool project.
Some people have the delusion that I am up at the crack of dawn, shower and dress with my best MK face, make a "hearty breakfast" and the kids are happily homeschooling at 9am with their rooms clean and devotions done. That may be what I aspire to, but certainly this was not the case yesterday morning.
Drat, another myth busted!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I was looking back on my archives... to see where I was about 2 years ago. This spoke to me again...
Saturday, May 05, 2007
sometimes God gives you cool things to say
Saturday, May 05, 2007
sometimes God gives you cool things to say
Facing the Giant
Then there was Tuesday.
Matt and Courtney decided to stay with Gramma and Papa for a week. They had their schoolwork with them so I let them stay. Note: this does not happen. Ask my mom. She has asked for them before and I pretty much always say no. I like my kids around and miss them like crazy when they are gone.
That meant I could fit everyone into the van on the way home... yeah!!! Yes, I NEED a bigger vehicle.
We stopped and the McQ's where the RCMP were to call me. Off topic again, the McQ's new house is really, really nice. Their yard now... well is a post construction yard. It will be beautiful, but it sure ain't now!! I was 15 min late for my call which was to come at 11:30... I was stressin' on the drive... but the call came in as I was taking off my muddy boots. The Corporal was very interested in speaking to me. Could I just come on down to the station to meet with him?? Wow!! I was asked to come down to the station for questioning. One of those little things that sounds so cool, so Oh MY GOSH I am gonna be questioned by the head of the RCMP in town. I did what anyone would do... begged my friend to go with me... sure her husband could watch my 6 kids and their almost 2 year old... Yes, I was pathetic and they felt sorry for me... so G came with me.
I think that Corporal was at least 7 feet tall. Maybe only 6 and a half feet, but did I ever feel small!! Gist of the conversation. His officers should not have been in my house without my permission. They basically forced their way in and announced they were going to stay there until I returned, scaring the kids and making them feel as if they had done something wrong when, in fact, they hadn't... at least THAT night!!!
From the RCMPs point, they have a thick file on the J family, who seems intent on creating little terrorists over there. I need to keep telling the RCMP what is going on with the Js and make a complete statement of all my concerns so the RCMP can slap them with harassment charges. The J's used the incident Friday night to call the RCMP on our family again!! It was a total waste of the RCMP's time to have to have their officers chasing kids up and down the street over a stupid acorn. It was a false report to say it was my kids. These people know the kids in the neighborhood and they knew mine weren't there. It was just a ploy to harrass us more. And the police finally see it!!! They are getting it that the J's are seriously disturbed and a definite threat to the safety and well being of the people in this town... and for now, especially us.
The corporal had read my complaints.. threatening with a knife, death threats, attempted strangulation, attack with a baseball bat, multiple attacks with beer bottles, stalking, staring in our windows, etc.. and has realized this is serious stuff. In fact, he scared me. He doesn't think I realize the seriousness of this situation. No, I don't think I do. Because I don't think like a disturbed, irrational, expletive laden, death threat uttering, assault with a knife, did I mention DISTURBED stalker type person, I cannot even wrap my mind around being physically harmed by them... or having the kids harmed.
I am trying remember everything. I kept a little log for awhile, but lost it. Now I have to write down everything and try to remember when it all happened. Its hard. I just want to move away from here and go somewhere safe. The kids deserve to run and play outside without being screamed at by the neighbor "lady" who swears like no one you've heard before or the neighbor boy coming over with a garden hoe who threatens to put it through the kids f'ing necks. The lady screaming and swearing was 2 weeks ago, the boy with the death threats was about 7 weeks ago.
I want better for my kids. I'd like them to enjoy their childhood, not be trapped inside a house because the neighbors might/will assault them with either words or physically. I am so praying to get out of here.
Matt and Courtney decided to stay with Gramma and Papa for a week. They had their schoolwork with them so I let them stay. Note: this does not happen. Ask my mom. She has asked for them before and I pretty much always say no. I like my kids around and miss them like crazy when they are gone.
That meant I could fit everyone into the van on the way home... yeah!!! Yes, I NEED a bigger vehicle.
We stopped and the McQ's where the RCMP were to call me. Off topic again, the McQ's new house is really, really nice. Their yard now... well is a post construction yard. It will be beautiful, but it sure ain't now!! I was 15 min late for my call which was to come at 11:30... I was stressin' on the drive... but the call came in as I was taking off my muddy boots. The Corporal was very interested in speaking to me. Could I just come on down to the station to meet with him?? Wow!! I was asked to come down to the station for questioning. One of those little things that sounds so cool, so Oh MY GOSH I am gonna be questioned by the head of the RCMP in town. I did what anyone would do... begged my friend to go with me... sure her husband could watch my 6 kids and their almost 2 year old... Yes, I was pathetic and they felt sorry for me... so G came with me.
I think that Corporal was at least 7 feet tall. Maybe only 6 and a half feet, but did I ever feel small!! Gist of the conversation. His officers should not have been in my house without my permission. They basically forced their way in and announced they were going to stay there until I returned, scaring the kids and making them feel as if they had done something wrong when, in fact, they hadn't... at least THAT night!!!
From the RCMPs point, they have a thick file on the J family, who seems intent on creating little terrorists over there. I need to keep telling the RCMP what is going on with the Js and make a complete statement of all my concerns so the RCMP can slap them with harassment charges. The J's used the incident Friday night to call the RCMP on our family again!! It was a total waste of the RCMP's time to have to have their officers chasing kids up and down the street over a stupid acorn. It was a false report to say it was my kids. These people know the kids in the neighborhood and they knew mine weren't there. It was just a ploy to harrass us more. And the police finally see it!!! They are getting it that the J's are seriously disturbed and a definite threat to the safety and well being of the people in this town... and for now, especially us.
The corporal had read my complaints.. threatening with a knife, death threats, attempted strangulation, attack with a baseball bat, multiple attacks with beer bottles, stalking, staring in our windows, etc.. and has realized this is serious stuff. In fact, he scared me. He doesn't think I realize the seriousness of this situation. No, I don't think I do. Because I don't think like a disturbed, irrational, expletive laden, death threat uttering, assault with a knife, did I mention DISTURBED stalker type person, I cannot even wrap my mind around being physically harmed by them... or having the kids harmed.
I am trying remember everything. I kept a little log for awhile, but lost it. Now I have to write down everything and try to remember when it all happened. Its hard. I just want to move away from here and go somewhere safe. The kids deserve to run and play outside without being screamed at by the neighbor "lady" who swears like no one you've heard before or the neighbor boy coming over with a garden hoe who threatens to put it through the kids f'ing necks. The lady screaming and swearing was 2 weeks ago, the boy with the death threats was about 7 weeks ago.
I want better for my kids. I'd like them to enjoy their childhood, not be trapped inside a house because the neighbors might/will assault them with either words or physically. I am so praying to get out of here.
Good Friday
Good Friday started out very well. Homeschooling went so well. Kids learned.. were happy... got fed and dressed.... We made it to the service at church for 2. I am not commenting on that service here. It was... interesting.
After the service I took Matt, Court, Molly, Jack, Justin and Josh over to some friends for dinner, a little MK skin care class and a movie. We watched "Camp Rock" and I was embarrassingly hooked. I can't help it... I LOVE those movies where people burst out into song for no apparent reason, where there is a good girl and a bad girl and an underappreciated girl and it all works out in the end!!! sigh... I would be the good and underappreciated girl and would love to have it all work out. My talents would all of a sudden rise to the top and everyone would wonder how on earth they didn't know how wonderfully gifted I was.. They'd smack their heads in surprise and I would graciously accept ..........
That's a little off topic.
Back to reality with a schreeching halt. As we drove up our street at 11pm I notice a police car in the yard. My heart jumps into my throat. What could have happened?? I had just spoken to Caitlyn before I left. All was fine. She and Connor were cleaning the house for me (we will not discuss why they felt the need to suck up to Mom like this) Cleaning should not include police visits.... should it??
The kids are trailing sleepily into the house. Matt carried in Justin and I circled the car to get Josh. I both need to go make sure my sweet, monstrous children are ok and dread approaching my front door. I am praying like mad that I can handle whatever is awaiting me inside the house as I snuggle the sleeping baby who is a dead weight on my shoulder. When did this kid get so heavy?? The police are probably wondering what the heck is taking me so long... move into the house.
I thought I had met all the RCMP officers. I was wrong. These 2 I didn't know. Cait and Connor were both walking and talking. I can breathe. "Hello officers (big smile)!! How can I help you?"
It all went downhill from there.
A misdemeanor had occurred in the neighborhood. The perpetrator had thrown something at Mr J's truck. My children were not suspected but they felt we were responsible as the children in question had congregated in my yard prior to the throwing of the acorn?? pine cone??
We had a half hour "chat" about why they were in my kitchen and not the kid's who threw the missile and why they felt we were now responsible for any child who happened to set foot on our property even though Cait had clearly told them they shouldn't be there and to leave immediately. (I know that sentence goes on and on... sorry)
Let me just brag on my girl a bit. This was 3 days before her 15th birthday. She is blond, silly, giddy, chatty and I wonder what (if anything) is going on inside at times. But she was calm, composed, articulate and dealt with this incident like she was born for it. She now has the ear of the police and if any more weirdness happens on her watch she knows who to call.
Unfortunately, by the time the police left I felt like I was caught in a whirlwind. I didn't feel my questions were answered ... they weren't... and I still had no idea why the police were at my house 3 times and then waited for me when they KNEW my kids had nothing to do with any incident. Saturday I did my own digging into the situation and found the police had been less than forthright with me... yeah, they lied and then I felt the police were now .... the enemy almost... and I had to get out of Dodge. Yes, we ran away. We went to see my parents and the cousins for the weekend. A friend from the city came out and drove us down and for 3 days we just relaxed.
Tuesday we came back and then I had to face the Corporal at the RCMP detachment to get my concerns out there. Yes, I decided to take on the RCMP.... face on.
After the service I took Matt, Court, Molly, Jack, Justin and Josh over to some friends for dinner, a little MK skin care class and a movie. We watched "Camp Rock" and I was embarrassingly hooked. I can't help it... I LOVE those movies where people burst out into song for no apparent reason, where there is a good girl and a bad girl and an underappreciated girl and it all works out in the end!!! sigh... I would be the good and underappreciated girl and would love to have it all work out. My talents would all of a sudden rise to the top and everyone would wonder how on earth they didn't know how wonderfully gifted I was.. They'd smack their heads in surprise and I would graciously accept ..........
That's a little off topic.
Back to reality with a schreeching halt. As we drove up our street at 11pm I notice a police car in the yard. My heart jumps into my throat. What could have happened?? I had just spoken to Caitlyn before I left. All was fine. She and Connor were cleaning the house for me (we will not discuss why they felt the need to suck up to Mom like this) Cleaning should not include police visits.... should it??
The kids are trailing sleepily into the house. Matt carried in Justin and I circled the car to get Josh. I both need to go make sure my sweet, monstrous children are ok and dread approaching my front door. I am praying like mad that I can handle whatever is awaiting me inside the house as I snuggle the sleeping baby who is a dead weight on my shoulder. When did this kid get so heavy?? The police are probably wondering what the heck is taking me so long... move into the house.
I thought I had met all the RCMP officers. I was wrong. These 2 I didn't know. Cait and Connor were both walking and talking. I can breathe. "Hello officers (big smile)!! How can I help you?"
It all went downhill from there.
A misdemeanor had occurred in the neighborhood. The perpetrator had thrown something at Mr J's truck. My children were not suspected but they felt we were responsible as the children in question had congregated in my yard prior to the throwing of the acorn?? pine cone??
We had a half hour "chat" about why they were in my kitchen and not the kid's who threw the missile and why they felt we were now responsible for any child who happened to set foot on our property even though Cait had clearly told them they shouldn't be there and to leave immediately. (I know that sentence goes on and on... sorry)
Let me just brag on my girl a bit. This was 3 days before her 15th birthday. She is blond, silly, giddy, chatty and I wonder what (if anything) is going on inside at times. But she was calm, composed, articulate and dealt with this incident like she was born for it. She now has the ear of the police and if any more weirdness happens on her watch she knows who to call.
Unfortunately, by the time the police left I felt like I was caught in a whirlwind. I didn't feel my questions were answered ... they weren't... and I still had no idea why the police were at my house 3 times and then waited for me when they KNEW my kids had nothing to do with any incident. Saturday I did my own digging into the situation and found the police had been less than forthright with me... yeah, they lied and then I felt the police were now .... the enemy almost... and I had to get out of Dodge. Yes, we ran away. We went to see my parents and the cousins for the weekend. A friend from the city came out and drove us down and for 3 days we just relaxed.
Tuesday we came back and then I had to face the Corporal at the RCMP detachment to get my concerns out there. Yes, I decided to take on the RCMP.... face on.
April 2 stalkings
Today I had another visit from the police. Yes, I have met most of the police force here.
Its part of my bizarre little world that has been getting more bizarre as time progresses.
I need to get it all out... down on "paper".. that would be this thing... for me...
Mom is quite shocked that others may read this. I really don't care.
By the time we get through the last 2 years of my life we will have hashed out... examined the weird, odd and the wonderful and will hopefully see how God is getting us not only through this, but out of this. I do have my own dreams after all.
One thing I have been hashing out is ... does God give you a dream... even a vision and not let you carry it through??
Yet, I digress. This isn't about the future. THIS post is about the present.
Let's go back 2 weeks. I think we can do that. April 2nd.. a Thursday evening. 2 ladies were here for a little Mary Kay training. We had a good time. I don't always invite the ladies over here to the zoo as it gets quite crazy. Kids are tearing around. No one wants to go to bed when told, etc...
But this was different. I had dropped Cait and her friends to youth group, Connor and Molly to kids club and Matt kept the rest entertained for and hour so I could have some grown up time. It was really relaxing.
I had heard earlier that day that financing went through so I could move, and the RCMP had told me they had enough evidence against the neighbors that I could get a peace bond on them. Since the peace bond takes 6 months to go through and I didn't plan to be here in 6 months I didn't know if I should go through with the peace bond. What if the J's found out? What if they upped the harassment? What if they hurt the kids? What to do? For the time being, I did nothing.
That night both ladies called me when they got home. TK told me the J's daughter had been running through my yard and staring in the dining room window when they were visiting. The other woman, DL, called to tell me this girl was staring in the windows and saw Mr J's truck going up and down the street staring at my house. Not only that Mr J's live in girlfriend.. we'll call her KJG called her husband to spread some malicious gossip. She stated that I had spoken to her and slandered my friend and her husband.
If you want to visit me, be prepared for the consequences. Thankfully DL called to verify the allegations from KJG and we could put that rumor to rest.
I did not call the RCMP at that point. I really didn't think to. According to the RCMP, I was remiss in not doing so.
Its part of my bizarre little world that has been getting more bizarre as time progresses.
I need to get it all out... down on "paper".. that would be this thing... for me...
Mom is quite shocked that others may read this. I really don't care.
By the time we get through the last 2 years of my life we will have hashed out... examined the weird, odd and the wonderful and will hopefully see how God is getting us not only through this, but out of this. I do have my own dreams after all.
One thing I have been hashing out is ... does God give you a dream... even a vision and not let you carry it through??
Yet, I digress. This isn't about the future. THIS post is about the present.
Let's go back 2 weeks. I think we can do that. April 2nd.. a Thursday evening. 2 ladies were here for a little Mary Kay training. We had a good time. I don't always invite the ladies over here to the zoo as it gets quite crazy. Kids are tearing around. No one wants to go to bed when told, etc...
But this was different. I had dropped Cait and her friends to youth group, Connor and Molly to kids club and Matt kept the rest entertained for and hour so I could have some grown up time. It was really relaxing.
I had heard earlier that day that financing went through so I could move, and the RCMP had told me they had enough evidence against the neighbors that I could get a peace bond on them. Since the peace bond takes 6 months to go through and I didn't plan to be here in 6 months I didn't know if I should go through with the peace bond. What if the J's found out? What if they upped the harassment? What if they hurt the kids? What to do? For the time being, I did nothing.
That night both ladies called me when they got home. TK told me the J's daughter had been running through my yard and staring in the dining room window when they were visiting. The other woman, DL, called to tell me this girl was staring in the windows and saw Mr J's truck going up and down the street staring at my house. Not only that Mr J's live in girlfriend.. we'll call her KJG called her husband to spread some malicious gossip. She stated that I had spoken to her and slandered my friend and her husband.
If you want to visit me, be prepared for the consequences. Thankfully DL called to verify the allegations from KJG and we could put that rumor to rest.
I did not call the RCMP at that point. I really didn't think to. According to the RCMP, I was remiss in not doing so.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
In the middle of a storm
I just did something I never do... write the title before the blog.
Tonight there is a major snowstorm... not quite a blizzard, but the nights not over yet!!!
I'm stressin'....
My sump pump hose froze up AGAIN and some really neat friends spent a couple hours doing what I in my stupidity thought was a 10 min job... never would have asked them to do what they did!!
About half way through the job the snow started pelting!! When they left he was even bloody....
and didn't want to talk about it. These are amazing people!!
Tonight seemed to be going well, until I said no to the kids. All of a sudden tempers flair, mouths begin the nastiness... what the heck is going on?
As I tell the girls that studying will have to be done at the table so as not to disturb sleeping little ones, hatred spews out of my daughters mouth and SHE DOESN'T GET IT!!!
What happened to this family?
In the last few days the snotiness in the kids has been completely out of hand.
It seems the more I spend time with them and do what they want to do, the worse they are.
So what's the solution?? Ignore the kids and don't spend anytime with them so they'll behave??
2 days ago I found out about a major financial setback and it should take about a year and a half to get us back to where we are now, which isn't a terribly great place.
Dave let me know that he was going on a shopping weekend with his girlfriend to get gifts for the kids. Nuf said there!
We are back to live is completely out of control... like I've had any control over it anyhow!!.. and it does seem terribly hard sometimes to say, "OK, God... I've given you this life. Help me not to complain about how its going." After all, if I gave this life away, its not mine to complain about, right?
I just don't think I am equal to this job at all. I am realizing how few skills I have. This house keeps .... lets say... hiccupping, and I have no idea how to fix ANYTHING! I have no idea how to deal with my daughter. I keep messing up.
I just want to quit.
Don't read anything else into that. I am not depressed or suicidal. I am TIRED.
I am tired of trying and having everything blow up in my face. I am tired of being treated (and not by everyone) like I am worthless. I am tired of children who are never satisfied. I am tired of loving people and being hated back. I am tired of being the poor, pathetic on who everyone feels sorry for. I am tired of being the talk of the town. I am tired of everyone hearing about me and having "the look" when they meet me. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of my dreams being shot down. I am tired of being woken up in the middle of the night, more than once.. every night. I am tired of laundry that never seems to be done. I am tired of people coming into my house and commenting that its not perfect. HELLO!!! We have 9 people in a 3 bedroom house and I sleep in the living room and don't have a dresser at the moment. Its not EVER going to be perfectly neat now matter how hard I work. I'm tired of being treated like a brainless idiot... I still score as a genius on an IQ test and if I don't know something I can learn.. or could if I had time to, but I DON'T HAVE TIME!!! I'm tired of being a charity case, but glad there are people who are charitable. I'm tired of tripping over stuff. I'm tired of water in the basement, yet thankful we live in an area with plenty of water... just don't want it piling up in the basement that's all. I'm tired of having no husband and no one to talk to who has the right to know everything I feel. I hate knowing that I will never have a husband who really loves me... the last one sure didn't and unless he dies and someone miraculously materializes from somewhere that sure ain't gonna' happen. My kids are asking me if I would please marry someone else... pretty hard when a) I'm still married b) even if I weren't I know I couldn't as my vow was for life... c) no matter what kind of a total jerk Dave is I don't wish him dead... completely. I'm sick and tired of having a husband who is sleeping with someone else. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling dead inside. I'm tired of having zero confidence about anything. I'm tired of having to explain myself to people who have no right to demand an explanation from me... and won't let up until they get one. I'm tired of crying. I'm really tired of pneumonia. How long can that last anyway?? I'm tired of people spreading stories about me who don't actually know anything, they just talk... and I'm tired of people who believe everything they hear without going to the source. Right now, I'm kind of tired of being cold. I'm tired of drafty windows, contractors who never show up, people who say they want to help and don't.
Ok, God. I think that's about it. I can't deal with all of that... I just don't have it in me.
You deal with it. I'm going to bed.
Tonight there is a major snowstorm... not quite a blizzard, but the nights not over yet!!!
I'm stressin'....
My sump pump hose froze up AGAIN and some really neat friends spent a couple hours doing what I in my stupidity thought was a 10 min job... never would have asked them to do what they did!!
About half way through the job the snow started pelting!! When they left he was even bloody....
and didn't want to talk about it. These are amazing people!!
Tonight seemed to be going well, until I said no to the kids. All of a sudden tempers flair, mouths begin the nastiness... what the heck is going on?
As I tell the girls that studying will have to be done at the table so as not to disturb sleeping little ones, hatred spews out of my daughters mouth and SHE DOESN'T GET IT!!!
What happened to this family?
In the last few days the snotiness in the kids has been completely out of hand.
It seems the more I spend time with them and do what they want to do, the worse they are.
So what's the solution?? Ignore the kids and don't spend anytime with them so they'll behave??
2 days ago I found out about a major financial setback and it should take about a year and a half to get us back to where we are now, which isn't a terribly great place.
Dave let me know that he was going on a shopping weekend with his girlfriend to get gifts for the kids. Nuf said there!
We are back to live is completely out of control... like I've had any control over it anyhow!!.. and it does seem terribly hard sometimes to say, "OK, God... I've given you this life. Help me not to complain about how its going." After all, if I gave this life away, its not mine to complain about, right?
I just don't think I am equal to this job at all. I am realizing how few skills I have. This house keeps .... lets say... hiccupping, and I have no idea how to fix ANYTHING! I have no idea how to deal with my daughter. I keep messing up.
I just want to quit.
Don't read anything else into that. I am not depressed or suicidal. I am TIRED.
I am tired of trying and having everything blow up in my face. I am tired of being treated (and not by everyone) like I am worthless. I am tired of children who are never satisfied. I am tired of loving people and being hated back. I am tired of being the poor, pathetic on who everyone feels sorry for. I am tired of being the talk of the town. I am tired of everyone hearing about me and having "the look" when they meet me. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of my dreams being shot down. I am tired of being woken up in the middle of the night, more than once.. every night. I am tired of laundry that never seems to be done. I am tired of people coming into my house and commenting that its not perfect. HELLO!!! We have 9 people in a 3 bedroom house and I sleep in the living room and don't have a dresser at the moment. Its not EVER going to be perfectly neat now matter how hard I work. I'm tired of being treated like a brainless idiot... I still score as a genius on an IQ test and if I don't know something I can learn.. or could if I had time to, but I DON'T HAVE TIME!!! I'm tired of being a charity case, but glad there are people who are charitable. I'm tired of tripping over stuff. I'm tired of water in the basement, yet thankful we live in an area with plenty of water... just don't want it piling up in the basement that's all. I'm tired of having no husband and no one to talk to who has the right to know everything I feel. I hate knowing that I will never have a husband who really loves me... the last one sure didn't and unless he dies and someone miraculously materializes from somewhere that sure ain't gonna' happen. My kids are asking me if I would please marry someone else... pretty hard when a) I'm still married b) even if I weren't I know I couldn't as my vow was for life... c) no matter what kind of a total jerk Dave is I don't wish him dead... completely. I'm sick and tired of having a husband who is sleeping with someone else. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling dead inside. I'm tired of having zero confidence about anything. I'm tired of having to explain myself to people who have no right to demand an explanation from me... and won't let up until they get one. I'm tired of crying. I'm really tired of pneumonia. How long can that last anyway?? I'm tired of people spreading stories about me who don't actually know anything, they just talk... and I'm tired of people who believe everything they hear without going to the source. Right now, I'm kind of tired of being cold. I'm tired of drafty windows, contractors who never show up, people who say they want to help and don't.
Ok, God. I think that's about it. I can't deal with all of that... I just don't have it in me.
You deal with it. I'm going to bed.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Rosetta Stone Contest
A contest I can’t resist
Rosetta Stone has been the #1 foreign language curriculum among homeschoolers for a while — next week they are unleashing a brand new curriculum, and you can WIN the *all new* Rosetta Stone Homeschool Version 3… FOR FREE!
This is a $219 program (and believe me it’s worth every penny!) and the winner gets to pick from any of these 14 languages: Spanish (Spain or Latin America), English (American or British), Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Irish, Hebrew, or Russian.This will also include a headset with microphone, and students will participate in lifelike conversations and actually produce language to advance through the program. Rosetta Stone still incorporates listening, reading and writing as well, in addition to speaking. Many homeschoolers requested grammar and vocabulary exercises, and with Rosetta Stone Homeschool Version 3, they’re included! For parents, the new Parent Administrative Tools are integrated into the program and allow parents to easily enroll students in any of 12 predetermined lesson plans, monitor student progress, and view and print reports.
To win this most excellent program — in the language of your choice — copy these paragraphs and post it in (or as) your next blog post – then to enter the contest, go to the original contest page HERE: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/JenIG/501132/ and leave a comment with the link showing where you blogged about it. And please make sure the link works to get back to the original contest page when you post it. And good luck! The winner will be picked randomly on March 26, and will be notified thru the link they left to their blog pg. And if you have more than one blog, you can post them and enter those separately for more chances to win. Yay for free stuff!
Rosetta Stone has been the #1 foreign language curriculum among homeschoolers for a while — next week they are unleashing a brand new curriculum, and you can WIN the *all new* Rosetta Stone Homeschool Version 3… FOR FREE!
This is a $219 program (and believe me it’s worth every penny!) and the winner gets to pick from any of these 14 languages: Spanish (Spain or Latin America), English (American or British), Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Irish, Hebrew, or Russian.This will also include a headset with microphone, and students will participate in lifelike conversations and actually produce language to advance through the program. Rosetta Stone still incorporates listening, reading and writing as well, in addition to speaking. Many homeschoolers requested grammar and vocabulary exercises, and with Rosetta Stone Homeschool Version 3, they’re included! For parents, the new Parent Administrative Tools are integrated into the program and allow parents to easily enroll students in any of 12 predetermined lesson plans, monitor student progress, and view and print reports.
To win this most excellent program — in the language of your choice — copy these paragraphs and post it in (or as) your next blog post – then to enter the contest, go to the original contest page HERE: http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/JenIG/501132/ and leave a comment with the link showing where you blogged about it. And please make sure the link works to get back to the original contest page when you post it. And good luck! The winner will be picked randomly on March 26, and will be notified thru the link they left to their blog pg. And if you have more than one blog, you can post them and enter those separately for more chances to win. Yay for free stuff!
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
What does God expect??
I was asked today if I thought God expected more from a believer than a non-believer.
That person didn't think it was really fair that God does. Here is my answer.
Suppose you wanted some sewing done for your bedroom. You wanted 2 sets of pinch pleat curtains (for fullness) with a beautiful ruffled valence for each set (because the tops of p.p. curtains is really quite boring). With that a new duvet, pillow shams, sheet sets (one for extra of course), some dresser scarves, etc....
And you'd like everything ASAP
3 women say they can do the job.
One woman does everything by hand.
One woman has a machine and is learning to use it.
One woman has a sewing machine, serger, a frequent user card at the best fabric store in the province and has a list of thrilled customers the length of your bedroom.
Who would you expect more from??
The lady who does everything by hand? When would it ever get done?
The lady who is just learning? What kind of quality would you have?
Or the very experienced, lady with everything she needs to get the job done and a resume to prove it?
Who does God expect more from?
Is it the person who is really trying hard but does not know Christ personally?
The new Christian who is just starting out and taking their first steps?
Or the person who is saved and has been studying the scriptures for years? Someone who has lived a life of Bible study and has experienced God's working in their lives?
He expects mature believers to act like it. To show maturity and to stand firmly when the storms of life come because they are grounded in His word.
Is it fair?? Yes it is!!!
Don't sit and whine because God expects "too much" from you. He is never going to ask for too much.
I expect more from my 13 year old then my 5 year old, and more from my 5 year old than my 7 month old. Is it fair?? You bet.
Josh is a baby. I do not expect him to make his bed and put his toys away. He is just mastering.. no not mastering.. laughing at our attempts to assist him to sit!!!
Molly is expected to make her bed and put her toys away, but I do not expect her to multiply and divide fractions.
Caitlyn *loves* fractions!! OK, does them because she has to. She also helps with babies, laundry and cooking. She sometimes babysits and sometimes is in trouble for not being where she is supposed to be on time.
God is not unfair to expect more from some than from others. He is not here to molly coddle us but to push us towards growth. We all have different experiences. These are not rewards or punishments for good or bad behaviour, they are life experiences. How we handle them depends on our level of maturity in Christ, or if we are in Christ. I can't tell someone that they handled something wrong because it isn't how I would do it. Maybe they are responding more maturely that I would.
Tonight I am told that being obedient to Christ means that I am not experiencing freedom in Christ. Its legalistic. Tonight I say being obedient to Christ means freedom. It doesn't matter what my circumstances are.
I am standing on the sure foundation I have in Christ which I find wonderfully laid out in God's Word. I am obedient to Christ because I love Him.
I deserve punishment, He gave me life. He deserves all glory and chose to die on the cross for me. All He asks is for me to give Him my screwed up life so He can fix it. This is a complete win win for me. I don't want "freedom" from obedience to Him. I don't want Him to expect nothing from me. I don't want to respond like a baby instead of a more mature believer. He's not done working with me, there is a looooong way to go!! I think I'll let Him keep on working thank you very much.
If you are in a place where you can't/won't trust God... I'm so sorry. I have found that He is completely faithful and worthy of my trust. I am not going to change my opinion of Someone who has done so much for me regardless of your insecurities. I am not going to pretend that God is not true to make you feel better. I am not going against God's Word to assauge your guilt. I am not going to pretend that God isn't upholding me through some really tough stuff because you are afraid that it makes you look like you aren't handling things well. I'm not handling things well either. I can't handle all this stuff so I am letting God do it. Mostly I remember to leave it with Him. When I try to help God its just a mess.
Now I'm going to bed. Happy that I got all this out without having singed anyones ears.
If you want to argue this post, don't bother. 3 hours tonight discussing this was enough. God is enough.
The end
That person didn't think it was really fair that God does. Here is my answer.
Suppose you wanted some sewing done for your bedroom. You wanted 2 sets of pinch pleat curtains (for fullness) with a beautiful ruffled valence for each set (because the tops of p.p. curtains is really quite boring). With that a new duvet, pillow shams, sheet sets (one for extra of course), some dresser scarves, etc....
And you'd like everything ASAP
3 women say they can do the job.
One woman does everything by hand.
One woman has a machine and is learning to use it.
One woman has a sewing machine, serger, a frequent user card at the best fabric store in the province and has a list of thrilled customers the length of your bedroom.
Who would you expect more from??
The lady who does everything by hand? When would it ever get done?
The lady who is just learning? What kind of quality would you have?
Or the very experienced, lady with everything she needs to get the job done and a resume to prove it?
Who does God expect more from?
Is it the person who is really trying hard but does not know Christ personally?
The new Christian who is just starting out and taking their first steps?
Or the person who is saved and has been studying the scriptures for years? Someone who has lived a life of Bible study and has experienced God's working in their lives?
He expects mature believers to act like it. To show maturity and to stand firmly when the storms of life come because they are grounded in His word.
Is it fair?? Yes it is!!!
Don't sit and whine because God expects "too much" from you. He is never going to ask for too much.
I expect more from my 13 year old then my 5 year old, and more from my 5 year old than my 7 month old. Is it fair?? You bet.
Josh is a baby. I do not expect him to make his bed and put his toys away. He is just mastering.. no not mastering.. laughing at our attempts to assist him to sit!!!
Molly is expected to make her bed and put her toys away, but I do not expect her to multiply and divide fractions.
Caitlyn *loves* fractions!! OK, does them because she has to. She also helps with babies, laundry and cooking. She sometimes babysits and sometimes is in trouble for not being where she is supposed to be on time.
God is not unfair to expect more from some than from others. He is not here to molly coddle us but to push us towards growth. We all have different experiences. These are not rewards or punishments for good or bad behaviour, they are life experiences. How we handle them depends on our level of maturity in Christ, or if we are in Christ. I can't tell someone that they handled something wrong because it isn't how I would do it. Maybe they are responding more maturely that I would.
Tonight I am told that being obedient to Christ means that I am not experiencing freedom in Christ. Its legalistic. Tonight I say being obedient to Christ means freedom. It doesn't matter what my circumstances are.
I am standing on the sure foundation I have in Christ which I find wonderfully laid out in God's Word. I am obedient to Christ because I love Him.
I deserve punishment, He gave me life. He deserves all glory and chose to die on the cross for me. All He asks is for me to give Him my screwed up life so He can fix it. This is a complete win win for me. I don't want "freedom" from obedience to Him. I don't want Him to expect nothing from me. I don't want to respond like a baby instead of a more mature believer. He's not done working with me, there is a looooong way to go!! I think I'll let Him keep on working thank you very much.
If you are in a place where you can't/won't trust God... I'm so sorry. I have found that He is completely faithful and worthy of my trust. I am not going to change my opinion of Someone who has done so much for me regardless of your insecurities. I am not going to pretend that God is not true to make you feel better. I am not going against God's Word to assauge your guilt. I am not going to pretend that God isn't upholding me through some really tough stuff because you are afraid that it makes you look like you aren't handling things well. I'm not handling things well either. I can't handle all this stuff so I am letting God do it. Mostly I remember to leave it with Him. When I try to help God its just a mess.
Now I'm going to bed. Happy that I got all this out without having singed anyones ears.
If you want to argue this post, don't bother. 3 hours tonight discussing this was enough. God is enough.
The end
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Looking much better around here
My IKEA order is in.
My living room is taking shape!!!
There are 2 chairs that are pretty and one delightful RED couch.
The other couch... just as red.. will be here tomorrow. The van can
only carry so much at once!!
Caitlyn's friend, Jenna, called it ... something I had never heard before and forgot...
but she says it means she likes it and maybe I'd understand the word trendy instead.
I am officially a mom of teens... I have no idea what they are saying half the time and I'm hearing them actually talk. I've also been told that I am a Kewl mom. That's cool for all you folks out there who speak actual English... like me!
One of the neighbor's helped us bring in the couch for me and actually wanted the old couches that are dreadfully ugly. Seems he wants them for his shop for when his buddies come over or for when he needs to get away from his all female family for a good nap.
Whatever the reason, he was happy to cart off one tonight and will take the other tomorrow.
One person's junk, another man's treasure!!!
I'm enjoying this little house so much. Its fun to do it up... though it may take 10 years to finish.
We had parent/teacher interviews yesterday and it was actually quite fun. I really like both teachers. The kids are doing great academically and socially. I just want them home. But, if they are out there... this is the best thing. Some of the issues I had were already noticed by staff and principal and were already being dealt with. This was very good.
Christmas is coming. I'm trying to pretend I can put it off but it won't be put off. The kids are ready to decorate and the decorations aren't even here yet!!
They will be soon though.
My living room is taking shape!!!
There are 2 chairs that are pretty and one delightful RED couch.
The other couch... just as red.. will be here tomorrow. The van can
only carry so much at once!!
Caitlyn's friend, Jenna, called it ... something I had never heard before and forgot...
but she says it means she likes it and maybe I'd understand the word trendy instead.
I am officially a mom of teens... I have no idea what they are saying half the time and I'm hearing them actually talk. I've also been told that I am a Kewl mom. That's cool for all you folks out there who speak actual English... like me!
One of the neighbor's helped us bring in the couch for me and actually wanted the old couches that are dreadfully ugly. Seems he wants them for his shop for when his buddies come over or for when he needs to get away from his all female family for a good nap.
Whatever the reason, he was happy to cart off one tonight and will take the other tomorrow.
One person's junk, another man's treasure!!!
I'm enjoying this little house so much. Its fun to do it up... though it may take 10 years to finish.
We had parent/teacher interviews yesterday and it was actually quite fun. I really like both teachers. The kids are doing great academically and socially. I just want them home. But, if they are out there... this is the best thing. Some of the issues I had were already noticed by staff and principal and were already being dealt with. This was very good.
Christmas is coming. I'm trying to pretend I can put it off but it won't be put off. The kids are ready to decorate and the decorations aren't even here yet!!
They will be soon though.
Redemption
You'd think that I would learn by now not to purchase a book because I like the title and the book is purple. You'd think that someone with my book reading experience would know how to flip the book over to check out the plot before PURCHASING a book.
No.
I think... "Karen Kingsbury with Gary Smalley writing a book series together.... I like K. K..... I like G.S. and its a SERIES... I can pick up one a month to treat myself until I get the set... "
I am an IDIOT!!
You say, how can you miss with those outstanding authors?? And its a series?? Maybe you have read the book!! If you know me and you've read the book maybe you know where I am headed here.
First of all, its an amazing, well written, God honouring book that will help a lot of people.
BUT...
I really wanted this, my first NEW book for I don't know how long, to be one where I could lose myself in someone else's life... just for a little while. How was I to know that the main character in the book was living my life. OK, mine is still a little worse. God knows that I needed this book so I could remember that only He can work in people's hearts. All is not lost. I need to believe and be faithful.
Never have I had such a hard time forcing myself to continue reading. I've cried like a baby.. and Caitlyn has a friend over for the night who must think her mom has lost her marbles... its OK though because as a mom I can do weird things and they just blame it on my advanced age!!
I won't ruin the story line for you book lovers out there. I do recommend this book because you will understand me :) and others like me that have gone through a marital breakdown... how we really feel and, most importantly to me, why I feel that I must move towards marital togetherness with my husband. It isn't that I am crazy or out of touch with reality. I am married. I need to be reconciled to my husband... regardless of how much he doesn't want to be reconciled to me. Even when he has royally screwed up, his sin is no worse than mine. "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.." How can I stone him with hatred when I am a sinner as well?
I need to go to bed.
I do need to say one more thing. Many people are reading my blog and have been asking questions about Dave and what is going on. I'm not picking on anyone. Many people are asking. I value all of my friends and acquaintances... but... please stop asking! I blog as carefully as I can to get my feelings down and try to be honoring to my husband. I share with a few close friends more, but not all. I hope I'm not blundering the way I feel like I am... bottom line is, Dave is not accountable to my friends, no matter how dear my friends are. I trust I'm not stepping on toes here. I love my husband and am willing to forgive him. Whether you agree with that or not is OK. You are entitled to your opinion!! Please don't put me on the spot by asking what he is doing... or not doing.
That's all!! Please keep praying. Someday I'll move past blog world and get back into getting together with friends world!! Whoo hoo!!!
I'll just need to stock up on some hot choc and Christmas tea!!
Happy December everyone!!!
24 days until Christmas!!!
No.
I think... "Karen Kingsbury with Gary Smalley writing a book series together.... I like K. K..... I like G.S. and its a SERIES... I can pick up one a month to treat myself until I get the set... "
I am an IDIOT!!
You say, how can you miss with those outstanding authors?? And its a series?? Maybe you have read the book!! If you know me and you've read the book maybe you know where I am headed here.
First of all, its an amazing, well written, God honouring book that will help a lot of people.
BUT...
I really wanted this, my first NEW book for I don't know how long, to be one where I could lose myself in someone else's life... just for a little while. How was I to know that the main character in the book was living my life. OK, mine is still a little worse. God knows that I needed this book so I could remember that only He can work in people's hearts. All is not lost. I need to believe and be faithful.
Never have I had such a hard time forcing myself to continue reading. I've cried like a baby.. and Caitlyn has a friend over for the night who must think her mom has lost her marbles... its OK though because as a mom I can do weird things and they just blame it on my advanced age!!
I won't ruin the story line for you book lovers out there. I do recommend this book because you will understand me :) and others like me that have gone through a marital breakdown... how we really feel and, most importantly to me, why I feel that I must move towards marital togetherness with my husband. It isn't that I am crazy or out of touch with reality. I am married. I need to be reconciled to my husband... regardless of how much he doesn't want to be reconciled to me. Even when he has royally screwed up, his sin is no worse than mine. "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.." How can I stone him with hatred when I am a sinner as well?
I need to go to bed.
I do need to say one more thing. Many people are reading my blog and have been asking questions about Dave and what is going on. I'm not picking on anyone. Many people are asking. I value all of my friends and acquaintances... but... please stop asking! I blog as carefully as I can to get my feelings down and try to be honoring to my husband. I share with a few close friends more, but not all. I hope I'm not blundering the way I feel like I am... bottom line is, Dave is not accountable to my friends, no matter how dear my friends are. I trust I'm not stepping on toes here. I love my husband and am willing to forgive him. Whether you agree with that or not is OK. You are entitled to your opinion!! Please don't put me on the spot by asking what he is doing... or not doing.
That's all!! Please keep praying. Someday I'll move past blog world and get back into getting together with friends world!! Whoo hoo!!!
I'll just need to stock up on some hot choc and Christmas tea!!
Happy December everyone!!!
24 days until Christmas!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)