Good stuff, Baby!!! Good stuff!!

Some people blog... some BLOG.... and others BLOG!!!!!

I blog.

The word blog makes me feel like I am drowning or about to choke.  Who came up with that word anyway??

Actually, I blog when my life hasn't got much going on in it.  Otherwise I am busy with the good stuff in life.  The planning and the doing and the socializing and the talking to real people instead of a computer.  It's a shame really as the good stuff tends to get all but forgotten.

Here is the good stuff as it stands today....

I have 2 adorable little boys (6&8) whose fave thing, besides playing on the wii, is cuddling with their momma and telling me how much they love me.  I am completely enamored with them!  They tell me stories, find me treasures and create things for me.  Quite honestly, if this is an indication of how they are going to treat their future girl friends/wives, I am so beyond impressed.  From experience, its better than any adult dude has ever treated me.   They think of so many special things to please me... are delighted when they know they do... and when I am sad, they don't try to fix anything, they just cuddle me and love me.

Then there is Jack.  He is so intelligent and empathetic and discerning.  He has such a trust in God and a belief that I will always find a way to fix anything.   He trusts that God will always show me what to do if I just wait.   Jack knows how to pray.  He is uplifting and encouraging... and I am absolutely crazy about him!!!!

Molly... what can I say?  The kid is amazing!!!  Such a helpful, capable, funny daughter there has never been.  She is great with babies, can bake bread, do laundry, clean bathrooms... on and on and on...  She is beautiful, generous, insightful and loves God with all her heart.    Where ever she goes people comment on how wonderful she is... and for good reason.  I am so darned proud of this kid.
She deserves a vacation... which I happen to have planned next month for her and...

Courtney!  Courtney, the easiest teen to raise on the planet.  She is beautiful, sweet and is my right hand.  When I am killing myself mowing the lawn (if you know my yard you understand its brutal to mow) she is inside preparing the next meal and making things nice.  She is creative and has a gift for making the plain special.   She is simply a delight to have around.

Today, as most days, all 5 of the kids spent time just hanging out and enjoying each other.  Today it was outside.  Sure its not always perfect, but our lives are full of laughing and so much fun.     We miss having the older kids around, but are enjoying this stage of our lives to the fullest.  

This is my life... this is my family... this is my joy... this is my calling... this is me

These are the ones who aren't afraid to be loved and are not afraid to love.  We can rest in the relationships we have and are not worried that if we sneeze the wrong way or say the wrong thing at the wrong time we will walk out or turn our backs on each other.  

I love these kids... and Cait, Matt and Connor so incredibly much!!!!   Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am to be the mom to the most incredible people I know!!

Wow!! So tired!!!

I thought I would get on this and rant tonight... but now that I'm here I don't want to rant.  

I'm tired

I'm sad

I'm disappointed

Reality is, so far in my life there has been a lot of disappointment... and that's ok.  My life is better than 90% of the world's population.  I am not complaining.  

It's this.  I have trust issues.  There are some wonderful people in my life who I just trust... with everything. I trust they care about me.  I trust that we can have a knock down drag out fight and they will still be my friend.  Please note that I am not in the habit of having know down drag out fights with my friends, but last year it happened when a friend stood up to me for my own good.   I respect that.  She didn't care if I liked her in the end, she wanted me safe.   And I didn't get it.   I have also apologized and we moved on.... together... as in we are still friends!!!

There are also those I have chosen to trust and they aren't trustworthy.   I'm not sure whether its because they are hurt and need someone to be tenacious with or if they really are not worthy of trust and I should walk away for good.  Is it being a friend to let them leave or not?   Because I have been hurt (and I have), sticking my neck out to be told to go away again is a huge risk.   Its embarrassing and so hurtful to be rejected over and over again.

I want to be a good friend... but I also need to know this person is MY friend.   I miss them so much.  There is so much going on here lately.  Caitie moved out west ... with my precious grandson... my divorce is getting finalized... there are court things going on with my son... we are selling the house and uprooting.... and I have to mow my large yard that has disgustingly uneven terrain with my little Honda push mower.  I am so tired physically and emotionally.  

I am so glad to know that God is still in control of everything.  He knows my weakness, and my hurt and He is carrying it.   He also knows my friend.   I don't want to lose another friend.  For those of you who really know me, I love my friends.  Even if we don't see each other often, I am praying for them... crying with them... rejoicing with them... hurting with them.   Loving someone who is walking away is so hard.    Especially when its like this.

I just read my last post... from December.  Wow!!  It seems like I only blog when someone walks.   2 people who acted in almost the same way.   I need to blog more.  There are a lot of happy times.   Next time something great ... or just good... happens, I'm blogging!!!!