So.... I figure that if God is going to take the time to teach me so much lately, I should document it so I can remember this later! Knowing myself the way I do, forgetting what I have learned my usual deal and then I have to learn it all again later!!
Thank you to Francine for helping me to get this! Though to be fair to God, He had prepared my heart to receive what she had to say in a very personal way.
This spring I have experience several losses in my life... Ha Ha Ha... Let's get real!!! This past decade has been a series of losses! It has also been a decade of growth and amazingness!! I am so thankful that God doesn't just leave us in a pit of misery, He always provides stuff to be thankful for!!
But where do I focus??
If my focus is on God and the good stuff .... it's all good... UNTIL something BIG or small gets in the way and I am swallowed up by grief again.
But THIS spring... This is the spring where God asked me for the only thing that was almost impossible to give.. something that kept me teary for a week as I fought this... and fought myself. I happen to know that God is completely trustworthy and that His way is so far above mine! So the battle was with my heart and my mind. My heart was so broken... how could God ask this of me?? My mind was slapping my heart upside the head... God will take care of me. Its ok... trust.
What did he want? The ONE thing that was MINE, MINE.... ALL MINE!!! My dreams for my future. Tentative dreams... babies of ideas and sweet bits of hope. He wanted my innermost self... to give it all up!
I had just began to allow myself to dream about the future. My life had been one of survival! Who had time to dream of anything? Not me. Did God not want me to have anything? What if He left me here just trying to survive forever? What if this was it? Could I trust God with my life if I could never look forward to anything?
Did Abraham think that way when he was asked to relinquish Isaac, his precious son? Duh!! Of course not! God covenanted with Abraham that Isaac was the son of promise! He couldn't die! Abraham knew God had to do something special or God would be a liar.... IMPOSSIBLE!!!
So rather smugly I imagine my decision is harder than Abraham's. I am an idiot sometimes. God has covenanted with me too. "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it" and He promises plans for good for me, HOPE, a future!!
He can't leave me with no dreams and hope, because He already has them for me. Could I give up mine for His?? How could I not. So.... its all gone. My plans... my future... my goals... my dreams... and they were all good ones. And yet, I can give them all up because God's are so crazily better!!! I don't say this because I have a clue what they are.... I say it because I know who HE is!! He has a fantabulous plan for me. A journey only I can take and its gonna be wonderful!
Until then... I will wait. I will make a little book of remembrances. I will be faithful in the day to day and will pray that I will not be grieved by what is lost, but live in excitement for what is ahead!!!
A disclaimer may be necessary... people tend to ask WHO when discussing loss. My journey is not about the people who walk in and out of it. It is about me and the walk I have with God. My dreams I talk about are the innermost part of me... not dreams regarding another person. There are many people I miss too... Several this year for various reasons... However, this is not what this post is about!!
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