Wow!! So tired!!!

I thought I would get on this and rant tonight... but now that I'm here I don't want to rant.  

I'm tired

I'm sad

I'm disappointed

Reality is, so far in my life there has been a lot of disappointment... and that's ok.  My life is better than 90% of the world's population.  I am not complaining.  

It's this.  I have trust issues.  There are some wonderful people in my life who I just trust... with everything. I trust they care about me.  I trust that we can have a knock down drag out fight and they will still be my friend.  Please note that I am not in the habit of having know down drag out fights with my friends, but last year it happened when a friend stood up to me for my own good.   I respect that.  She didn't care if I liked her in the end, she wanted me safe.   And I didn't get it.   I have also apologized and we moved on.... together... as in we are still friends!!!

There are also those I have chosen to trust and they aren't trustworthy.   I'm not sure whether its because they are hurt and need someone to be tenacious with or if they really are not worthy of trust and I should walk away for good.  Is it being a friend to let them leave or not?   Because I have been hurt (and I have), sticking my neck out to be told to go away again is a huge risk.   Its embarrassing and so hurtful to be rejected over and over again.

I want to be a good friend... but I also need to know this person is MY friend.   I miss them so much.  There is so much going on here lately.  Caitie moved out west ... with my precious grandson... my divorce is getting finalized... there are court things going on with my son... we are selling the house and uprooting.... and I have to mow my large yard that has disgustingly uneven terrain with my little Honda push mower.  I am so tired physically and emotionally.  

I am so glad to know that God is still in control of everything.  He knows my weakness, and my hurt and He is carrying it.   He also knows my friend.   I don't want to lose another friend.  For those of you who really know me, I love my friends.  Even if we don't see each other often, I am praying for them... crying with them... rejoicing with them... hurting with them.   Loving someone who is walking away is so hard.    Especially when its like this.

I just read my last post... from December.  Wow!!  It seems like I only blog when someone walks.   2 people who acted in almost the same way.   I need to blog more.  There are a lot of happy times.   Next time something great ... or just good... happens, I'm blogging!!!!