Transience

I find myself wondering at the transience of .... life I guess...

We have moved so many times I'm not sure if I will ever feel truly home anywhere... and I'm used to it.  It doesn't bother me any more.  I hope my kids have a greater sense of stability, but an even greater sense of family and loyalty and love and trust.

What really has me thinking though, is the transience of people in my life.
Some have been there forever... Joy and Diane stand out.  Regardless of distance or time
apart, they aren't transient... they are permanent, forever friends.  ... even if I were a complete jerk and did something horribly  bad to them, they would let me get my stuff together and welcome me back with open arms.  They are quality people and they love me.  And I love them.

What gets me is that there are people who I come to care for and enjoy their friendship and they have a bad day and they are out of my life. Maybe I am a complete moron... and I have not ruled this out... but everyone is entitled to a bad day or a frustrating rant or whatever.   Its ok to acknowledge that it is what it is... but do you throw a friendship away over a bad day?   Apparently so.   Even if all is apologised, forgiven and put behind ... transient friends.  I would never throw a friend away.

Friendship is a two way street though.  I am thinking, with few exceptions, a lot of folks don't know how to or want to have lifelong friendships.  Its ok to mess up.  One lady I know, and used to be close to made a mistake which I thought was no big deal... but it is to her.  She can't get over this.  And our friendship is no more because of it.  

This past week I told someone I didn't like it when they were rude to me.  This person was rude... said they were "not refined" and having a bad day.  And I didn't get it.  Apparently I am an idiot, because I didn't.   I don't.   I don't know why a bad day means the whole friendship doesn't matter.

Yes, I have struggled with self worth for a long time.  For the first time, this doesn't affect my sense of who I am.   For all the people who would rather leave a friendship than offer an apology, I feel badly for you.  You were an idiot and were also forgiven.  I will be an idiot someday and would appreciate forgiveness. Maybe I was...  I do not understand where people are coming from when they refuse to be blunt in what they are saying.  I am not good at reading "beat around the bush" and never have been.

Right now, there is so much good going on in my life, that I would like to share it.  I am excited about what is and the possibilities of what may be in the future.  The only thing that makes me sad is that some friends, who I deeply care about, don't seem to want to be in my future.   On a positive note, someday.... being transient may be a good thing.   Someday, I may need to uproot and it will be easier if my roots aren't too strong.

My Tribute

There is a song that goes..

How can I say thanks
For the things You have done for me,
Things so undeserved,
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.

To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
With His power He has raised me,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
© 1971, Andrae Crouch


Somehow, in all the bustle of Thanksgiving... and being
thankful for family, friends, food... stuff...   I forgot to be
thankful for the most important of all!!  My Tribute... go up
and read it again!!

whew!!

And just like that... looking into someone's eyes and sharing from your heart changes it all!!!
Founders of Skype... Praying remarkable and amazing blessings on you!!!

Maybe the more important the person to whom you are communicating, the more bungled the job becomes...  over thinking, over interpreting, what ever!!! 

But when it all slows down, and you look into his eyes... and smile... and he smiles back and his eyes spark... you just know... what ever fear you had doesn't really exist...

And you are even almost willing to cheer for the Bruins, just to make him happy... because seeing him smile is more important than cheering for a team you haven't watch play for years anyway.  Bruins though??  This is BIG!!!  But still an almost....

I've never actually wanted to Skype before... but if I get to see him... I'm OK with him being able to stare at me... and see every eyeball roll!!  I am still smiling... and headed for bed now.

Wow! Didn't see that one coming!!

This seems to be a recurring theme in my life... 
Wow!!  Didn't see that one coming!!!

Sometimes great!  Sometimes not!
Would I like to see a month or 2 or 17 go smoothly and exactly as planned??
Why yes, yes I would!
I have 2 or 3 datebooks going at any time.  I love to be scheduled and planned,
though I am flexible.... I have to be because my plans are jokes!!!  Yes... jokes!!

But sometimes, the plan that backfires in one way, brings good things in another.
Being hurt today helped a friend open up about their pain in a way that hadn't been possible before.
As this friend is terrifically important to me, I am thankful for whatever it took to put me
in a place for them to open up... just a little.
We helped each other smile.. from a distance... and maybe even laugh.

Still, the part of my life that hurts... is huge.  Why can't men and women communicate better?
Why do I have such a hard time hearing what is being said to me?

I know that insecurities play a part... but I don't think shouldering all the blame is right either.  Quite honestly... I have always just accepted all the blame for whatever to make everyone else feel better... but I promised never to do that again.  No relationship is perfect... its hard to figure it all out.  Its fun to figure it all out.  Its devastating to be misunderstood and to misunderstand...

Is it worth it?  This one is!  But I know for sure...  I never want to START another relationship again... ever.  Putting yourself on the line is opening yourself up for all kinds of hurt.  Intentional or no...
Leaving an abusive relationship makes sense.... feeling like you may be missing out on something wonderful with someone incredible is beyond sad. 

All I know is, this is so important... and my hope is that we can work through this.  I have one person who I can talk to about everything... even a little of this... and a lot of how it makes me feel.   I just wish that person was the one I am crazy about!  I have never been so attracted to someone who has treated me well before... and don't want it to end.

Sometimes I feel like I am the person no one of worth could ever care about.  But the King of the Universe thinks I am of utmost value.  And has proven it!!
Today I don't feel like a princess.... I feel like a pauper... an untouchable... But the King of the Universe has adopted me... I am a princess... whether I feel like it or not.   And my friend... who didn't call me a princess today (thanks bud)... I told him I didn't want to be called that again.. and he was having his own day... anyhow... usually tells me I am.

Time to go tuck in little boys and pick up my girls... and maybe do more laundry.... my life is so exciting!!! 

Am still feeling numb inside.  I think the things that are coming are taking their toll.  Know it!!  Today I said I hated the happy, hopeful me.  OK, am still kind of there.  Thankfully, feeling good all the time isn't a requirement of life.   I had the perfect weekend.  Sometimes when you have something perfect the enemy tries to destroy it.  Yes... a weekend of perfect happiness for the second time... its more than some have in their lifetime... but I am greedy enough to want more.

Gotta run!!!  Sorry if anyone read this drivel.... this post was completely for me!!

What do I want?

Why can't I just say what I want??

When asked what I want... I freeze.  I just freeze.
Do you want....?  If I say no, its a lie.... yes is the answer...
But it sticks in my mouth.

The more deeply I want to say yes, the more impossible it is.
And the battle to say yes is crushing me.

Why can't I allow myself to want.

I can want to help.  I can want to give.  I can want to provide wants for my kids.
But not for me.
So tonight... the question is asked...
Do you want.....??

And I could only answer when I knew it was too late.

The answer.... it was yes.

I want to stay grounded!!

These have been a crazy few days... not because of all the "stuff" we had to do..... even though we certainly had a lot going on.... but because I came ungrounded.

There is a problem with being ungrounded, because it starts so subtly and slowly you don't know its happening... UNTIL.... you turn into an emotional yo-yo!!  I wish I could say this is the first time its ever happened.... or the last time it ever will... but it has before and may again!

It starts like this...
First everything is fine.  I am focused on what I should be focused on, spend time in God's word, sing and dance and do my daily jobs with joy and its all good!!  Things come up and I deal with them... well!!! 
and then
I get lax.  Maybe I skip my devos or stop focusing on the Lord altogether.  My daily stuff becomes overwhelming, dancing and singing slowly disappear and suddenly I'm stressed.
Because of the stress every crisis becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be.   I don't like myself and don't trust others... STOP!!!!

Walking in strength and power is what I am called to do... not my strength or power... HIS!!  Its free!
Whoo hoo!!  Sure it may look like its mine... but just because I am taking it. 

By the way... I want to be like Jesus.
ok??  Isn't that what most of us want?  I don't think so, because what we hear about Jesus and what the Bible says about Jesus do not jive... at all. 

Jesus was a strong, powerful man who did not go along with mainstream society.  He was a rebel... a zealot... and everyone noticed.  Yes, he was a teacher, gentle, good and kind EXCEPT His teachings flew in the face of the religious traditions of His day.  He argued with the religious authorities and called them a few choice names.  Not to mention the infamous day he took out a bunch of merchants with a whip and did some major damage to their kiosks in the temple.

He wasn't a wimp, or a doormat by any means.  He knew who He was and why He was on this planet and allowed no one to dissuade Him.  If there was a wrong, He often just dealt with it... either in a physical way OR a verbal way.  He was brilliant and of course knew exactly what to say to get His point across in the most clear way possible... unless He hid His point purposefully from all those except who He chose to have "in the know".

Being like Jesus does not mean lying down and letting everyone run over you.  It doesn't mean being holier than thou and looking down on those who aren't perfect.  It doesn't mean turning your back on those who are struggling... It doesn't mean taking a vow of poverty or being alone.

These days, we seem to be so afraid of how things may appear that we have lost sight of who Christ is!!!  He is the guy who spent some major alone time with a woman who had several husbands and live in boyfriends and was considered the town slut.  HE hung out with her!!!  In fact, he hung out with prostitutes and sinners.  That was what he was known for!! 

What kind of reputation was He after? 

He wasn't. 

He didn't care what people said.  He was there for everyone and anyone and to heck with anyone that  didn't care for how He did that.  There was a time to be quietly firm... but a time to be in your face as well.  I am learning to stand up for my family.... and for me.   Part of me hates that I have to put someone else out... but I am now putting my job as head of this household ahead of people who aren't in this household... and I am not sorry... nor do I feel guilty.

I will make friends and maintain them at my comfort level.... I keep in close contact with those who are uplifting and also have the guts to say... "what's your problem lately?  you are all over the place?  where is your faith?"   
I am also liking the encouragement... "I'm proud of you"  "great job"...  this goes a long way.

There are those who treat me like Jesus would who don't even know Him... and I would be happy to make that introduction... and some who know Him and certainly don't treat me (or anyone else) like Christ would.. and that is really sad.

So... thanks to my online journal... I can get all this out... and read it in a month or 2... and be able to look back and see if I remember. 

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a  future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

And then... I am grounded again!!!

Sometimes I think I'm an idiot!!

Yes.... an idiot!

Why is it that when it isn't important to have the right words, they just flow out??  The flow is deep, clear, abundant and simple!!  But when its vitally important to have the right words they stick, become murky and cloudy and you end up making yours and someone else's life miserable.... for a time.

Today was one of those days.  I can not for the life of me communicate how I feel and think to someone who is incredibly important to me.  The more I try, the more mess I am making of it.... so I quit trying.... for now.

I love words.  I read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun... but not the phone book as that would be weird.  Reading books of all types is a joy to me.  Turning a sentence so it drips with the correct meaning is a delight.  Insulting someone you care about while trying to do the complete opposite and knowing you wounded their spirit fills me with grief.

And tonight I did that.

And that person does not have access to this blog.

So... I will cry and pray and try again tomorrow...
or... cry and pray and chicken out tomorrow....

Sometimes I think I am a complete idiot...
this is one of those times....

I am so sorry

Gone.... all gone...

All the pictures in the blog will never be there again!!

Some of the posts will simply no longer make sense...
How sad is that!?!?

lots and lots of triangles with exclamation marks are my new look...

Dare I??? Dare I???

Regrettably, I am a person who can't resist a good challenge.  Just when I think everything is going smoothly... someone issues a challenge either intentionally or by happenstance.

This summer I was challenged and stretched beyond my very boring comfort zone... sometimes by folks I don't even know... and  bam!!!  My life opened up!!

Caitie is going to completely remake me... her challenges ... dares if you will.... are mainly to have me accept myself and be the best me I can be!

Bonnie, with the hair thing, every month is a dare!!!  And I rise to the challenge and just let her do what she will my my locks KNOWING if she messes it up too badly.. I know where she lives.
She also challenged me to sing... on a platform... with a microphone ... OH MY!!!

I'm the one who would just mouth the words in church if there were someone sitting directly in front of me!! 

So now.... a wee challenge... just a thought of a challenge... it was a 'YOU SHOULD"...
You should blog!!!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

And it just so happened I already had one!!  I had loved my online journal and now am in a place to pick it up again!!

This had been put to rest  because I really don't want to be in the head of the woman who had been living in her own private hell.... I want to remember the woman who came out the other side... stronger and more sure of my Heavenly Father than ever!!
I want to remember my kids... and my grandkids... and have them know me..
And if y'all are bored enough to read my drivel.. s'ok with me.

Warning... I fall into moods where grammar is left off the blog and whatever comes out, comes out!!

Welcome back to this mess!!  Not sure how I got into it and really have no desire to get completely out of it!!
The blog was an accident in the beginning.. the name of it was a cry for blogger help me get out of this bloggy mess!!!  But ... I really love it... my baby!!

Thanks Francine!!

Another night....

I am constantly amazed at a teenagers mind.
"Mom, I PROMISE I will leave my phone on and you can call anytime to check on me..."
"No, I am NOT going to be late!"
"Why do you keep talking about it... I won't be late and you can call anytime."

2 AM rolls around. After 2 hours of calling a cell phone that no one answers... and a good hour of prayer for that child's safety... the kid comes home.

"I'm not THAT late. My cell phone died... oops sorry!"
"Why are you ticked off? You could have gone to sleep."
"I have no idea why you say I am not considerate of anyone but myself... YOU'RE the one who decided to stay up this late."

And she wonders why I don't let her go out much.

Stranger and Stranger still...

We had some interesting company last night. My brother, Tim, who lives out west flew in to surprise the fam. And it was quite a surprise. My "other brother".. Jeff.. brought Tim and a friend, Joel, over.

This is Jeff, Tim and I.
Tim is not an axe murderer regardless of how much he looks like one.

Joel is one of the funniest people I know.. always has been!

Jeff is just happy to be let in out of the cold.

He has a little space issue!!

Poor Teddy. He is ready for the next installment of the Grinch.

The children weren't quite sure what hit the house. Lots of laughs. Courtney thinks they are all crazy.. and wants to know when they are coming back. She even called her Uncle J to find out when they would be returning. Not today, child... not today!!

My Ugly Frog has been defeated!!!

Ok, this has been a loooong day. My hands and feet are cramped.
... but my mudroom looks great!! The kids were freaking when I kept saying bring me all the coats, all the boots, mittens, ski pants... bring it all in!!
"But it won't fit! We want it to look good!"
I wouldn't cheat though.. it was amazing to get it all in!!!


This is the door that was covered by the big wardrobe. I'm not really sure who put the wardrobe in front of the door... The drawers on the wardrobe are labelled for hats, mittens and scarves. I love my new labeller and hardly have any chance to use it.

I decided I had never taken ownership of this closet. It was depressing. Now it has 2 coats of fresh paint... actually the whole room does. The colour is called Scrimshaw Ivory.. tint 1 from Para.
This corner still isn't real pretty, but honesty is important here. I needed a spot to store a few things. Here they are. There are no steps to this outer door.. and a 10 foot drop... so I don't mind covering it up.

Here is my bench. Now it is able to be used!! whooo hooo!! I need to get my curtains up, but that is a job for another day. I'm tired.

There you go, Jenn. One ugly frog taken care of!!

Ugly Frog Contest

Today is the Ugly Frog Contest at Mom's No Chaos Zone. Since I have a huge ugly frog in my house, I thought I'd enter. Its only today, so if you see this please enter!

To make myself accountable I took pics of before so I could post it for the world to see. Keep in mind, it has to be fixed by tonight.

Are you ready for this?

This is really embarrassing!!

And here (drumroll please) is my mudroom!!!

After taking this shot I thought, it doesn't look too bad. Did you know there is an exterior door behind this cupboard... and a coat closet??

This buffet is supposed to be in the dining room... dust free. I remember purchasing the green bench so the kids can sit down and put on their boots... which are now all over my living room instead of in my quite large mudroom.

I could have spun this pic around so you don't have to get a crick in your neck... however, the pile was dizzyingly (is that a word?) high. This looks smaller somehow.

You literally have to walk on stuff to get into the room. This is one ugly frog.

To top this all off, the bottom half of the walls isn't primed. The room has to be painted as well. Can we get it all done??

Today our homeschool will be experimenting with a Co-operative Work Project. Let's see how it rolls!!

Followers link

I thought it would be neat to add a follower link on this thing. I'm not sure what the benefit of being a follower is. For those of you who follow this thing whether a link is there or not... could you press the button and tell me what the deal is?? Do you get notified if I put on another rant?? Do you get frequent flier miles for reading the story of my life... trust me, if I really shared my life you'd all run of screaming!!
Please try it out and let me know.
I have an inquiring mind... I want to know!

What I've learned from the police this year

These are some things I have learned from the police in the past year or so.



--- Putting a knife in someone's face and threatening to kill them is ok... even if you brag to the police that you did it.

--- Its ok to stone one's neighbors.

--- It is not ok to laugh and play in your own yard if your neighbors psycho abused dog doesn't like it ... even at 2 in the afternoon in the summertime.

--- Booby trapping your neighbors porch is just fine, esp if earlier in the day you threatened to cut same neighbors small children's f'in necks with a hoe.

--- It is most certainly fine to keep someone else's child FOR LIFE if they are allowed to stay for a sleepover. Taking clothes and a toothbrush obviously means they are being kicked out of their home.

--- If the parent of that child decides to go pick up their child, it is fine to accost them and physically harm them, because they are coming on your property to take your "new child."

--- It is fine to keep someone else's child and have the original parent charged with trespassing if they go near their own child.

--- It is fine to charge the real parent for kidnapping if by chance they actually get their child back. It is NOT fine to have someone charged for kidnapping if they take your child and won't give them back.

--- It is fine to speed down a highway, lose control, cross a yellow line and passing lane to hit your car. After all, everyone speeds. What is your problem??

--- It is ok for the police to talk to a parent and then turn around and tell their child the exact opposite of the agreement with the parent.

--- When you are robbed, and know who did it, the police will contact the person who robbed you... but not you. They will not come to the home where the theft took place, or call wronged homeowner who filed the report... except for when they call to say ... "I spoke with the person you claim stole from you. He said he didn't do it and we believe him. Ma'am, no you have nothing to say about it .. case closed."

--- The RCMP actually sleep all night and do not respond to calls after midnight. It doesn't matter what is going on... they need their rest. OK.. after filing a complaint about that one, someone got in a "talking to." I got a half hearted apology, but they would not give me a written apology which was what I had asked for.

--- If a person is deemed as a pillar of the community, say like an emergency room doctor or a pastor, they can do whatever they want. If their victim is deemed as a low life.. say like a single mom of 8 children... it is ok to victimize them without censure. And how dare that single mom have a problem with it!!!

I am not going to be bitter, but I will also never have contact with RCMP if I can help it. Egotistical idiots all of them. I haven't met one of them that didn't just completely lie about everything.... oh no.. there was one last summer, but he was frustrated with the rest of them too. He is also very young and probably thinks there is still some honor left in the force.

There isn't.

Another Week... Another Day at Emergency

For the third time in under 3 weeks, Caitlyn has been in emerge.
She is having some weird trembling/shaking going on in the muscles of her arm. It has gone on for up to 3 days at a time.

Today I'd had enough. It was time for some bloodwork!

The doctor was great. They took 6 vials of blood.... Did I mention Cait is terrified of needles?? Oh my!! She was a trooper. I couldn't believe how well she did. Most of the tests came back normal. Some of the blood had to be sent to another hospital in the "big city" (ha ha) for further tests.

I attended the Ultimate Women's Expo online this weekend. There were women there who had very sick children among other struggles. I remember thinking how happy I was that I didn't have any sick kids. Its not that I have anything against sick kids, I just didn't want mine to GET sick!! I'm realizing that fleeting thoughts like that should be pushing me to get down on my knees and thank God for the gift of health we have been given. I need to be thankful for everyday we are not dealing with a health crisis.

If I am in a position where I need to deal with a health crisis, I need to be thankful for everyday to lovingly care for those I love. Should something happen and I lose that child, its getting down on my knees and giving thanks for the beauty of the life that has graced mine and taught me more about His love for me, and thank Him that this is not the end.

For today... I thank God for the health of my children. I thank Him that I can serve my children by showing His unconditional love to them.

In fact, I think its time to go and get the snacks ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow... the day I call my family doctor to schedule my daughter for her first visit (and hopefully last one!!) with the neurologist. I'd appreciate your prayers!!

Canada wins Gold!!

You have to wonder... who thought of it first???
Some crazy guys skiing... moguls no less... who had this crazy idea..

LET'S PUT A JUMP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HILL... NO!! HOW ABOUT 2 JUMPS!?!?!?

After a few days of moguls with jumps on the hill.. one of them starts doing flips... and the rest is history. Now I'm not sure what kind of "idiots" think this is a fun thing to do... but it sure is fun to watch!!
... especially when you win a gold medal at the Olympics!!

Congrats to Alexandre Bilodeau for winning the first Gold Medal by a Canadian in Canada!! We have been more than gracious hosts so far by letting the competition place just ahead of us. Its time!

Jack's Party Day

This is Jack... this is his pre-birthday party... he will be 6 Monday!! Whoo hoo!!!
Jack is very excited about cake, balloons and gifts. He was extremely calm and patient though!! My baby is growing up! FYI he is NOT a baby...

It only took about 12 puffs to blow out the candles

Justin thoroughly enjoys his ice cream

Josh is a more of a frosting kid

Lots of cousins and friends to frost some cookies because, obviously, cake, ice cream and cupcakes are not enough sugar... no way

Jack sitting with Ellie?? How did that happen?? He was joined at the hip with Brett and Luke.. wasn't he? She is kinda cute... hmmm

Even the big boys can't resist cookies with a little pink frosting!!

Look how serious they are!! Damara...( if I spelled that right... it was hard to reproduce the name on the card!!) looks like this is the most important thing she has ever done in her life!

It was actually a very relaxed day.. weird, eh??

It was too cute when Brett suggested I open a bakery so they could all come and buy cookies from me. Sheesh, you'd have think we could have said that before I gave away all my stock!! Poor Brett left wondering if I was going to charge him for the cookies he carried home. Betty Jo.. please convince him I wasn't serious! and tell Cole we found his wallet and didn't steal a thing... honest!!!

Organization, here I come!!!

Someone dropped in to meet me today. A mom of one of Caitlyn's new friends. Lovely lady.... and wanted to see my kitchen... loves the fixer upper thing. This kind of thing only happens on the nights that instead of doing the supper dishes right away I sit down to watch a show with the kids. sigh...
At least she saw that I spend time with the kids! The little boys.. and Jack.. were already in bed and came down to meet Ashley and her mom, Darla.
When I sent them back they trooped right upstairs which was terribly impressive!
"Did they just do what you told them too??"
"Yes, its called obedience and I expect it."
"Wow, they do well."
Turns out it didn't really matter if there were dishes all over the kitchen. They are now done and I am ready for more visitors... anyone??

I have shelves in my closets!!!!
A total of 12 new, big and amazing shelves!!
Organization, here I come!!

Except I seem to be incredibly drained. Everything is quiet, but I find myself on guard waiting for something to happen. And I think that I really need a break.. one where I can get away and not have to worry about the kids... I don't think that will happen for years.

On a high note, I went to pick up Matt and Cait from Matt's volleyball game against VCA and joined up with some good friends from home. How fun to sit down with 4 ladies and just chat.

The kids have started the movie, so I must run.

Oh Christmas Tree....

We loved our Christmas tree this year. I wish it looked as good in pics as in real life. The glow of the tree is lost in the flash of the camera... Just excuse the plastic on the windows please!!

This is our tree... and yes, the decorations are all in brown. Molly and I went to Home Hardware's Winter Wonderland room and fell in love... even though the other couple in the store thought this was terribly ugly!! Sorry tree!

This is Molly's favourite ornament. Yes, Molly, when I die this is yours. Yes, she asked that.

Our lovely angel. Molly wanted the one with the big fluffy wings... I won. She is ok with that now.

Who knew that you could get so many ornaments in browns?? Brown sequins? Who knew?!!?

Bows, beads, leaves, pine cones... Too much good stuff!!

Our tree is still up. Molly won't let us take it down until everyone she knows has seen and admired it. The only one left to wait on is Tara. It snowed this week the day Tara and the boys were coming up. If they don't get up until summer, not to fear, we will wait. We have no choice! Molly has spoken!!