Well, its been 2 weeks since my girls have gone to Florida with their dad. 2 weeks with me and three little guys. This has been fun, but having 5 kids out there and only 3 left has been making me think a lot about the future.
I am LOVING spending time with these boys!!! They are soooo funny and sweet and cuddly and boyish! However, having only 3 in the house seems so quiet and empty. There are no more toddlers who need constant care... no one left to teach how to read (this is a good thing!!)... less work for me to do. Less laundry with no girls around too!!
I'm realizing a huge part of my job of the past 20 years is now history... the future with the fab 5 left at home can't be more traumatic than the first three (who I love like blazes even though it hasn't always been easy!).
I have known for awhile that changes were coming. Inside has been growing and changing and its time to make the changes outside. These changes are happening bit by bit. The ground work is being laid, feelers going out... its happening.
Saturday, August 09, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Quick thought
John Chapter 5:1-15 tells us about the Pool of Bethesda.
Apparently the sick of all kinds would lie around this pool and periodically the waters of the pool would be supernaturally stirred and the first person to jump in.. or get thrown in would be healed.
I know that sounds a little glib... but there is a point here.
NOT EVERYONE WAS HEALED
In fact, a very small percentage of people were healed. They had faith!! This one guy had been hanging out there for 38 YEARS!!! I'm sure others were there that long, or longer or only 20 or so years. This is faith!! Not a passing kind of faith. A genuine, deep down abiding faith that God was going to do some healings.
I don't know how often these healings happened. Obviously not that often. 38 years is a long time to wait.
Belief wasn't enough. These people believed they could be healed... and there would be a healing... and the vast majority were not healed.
Does this mean God isn't enough? nope
Here is another thought.... These are sick people. I am sending out a 2000 year old (approximate) kudos to the ladies and gents who took care of these hurting people. There had to be some... you don't sit around for 38 years without being fed.
We tend to have the mentality that God is just going to help all these people who have faith to believe that God can and will help them and then sit back and watch for God to get the job done... like Jonah and the Ninevah thing. Here is what usually happens in that case. Hurting people become abandoned people... and hurt more. While the good Christian people believe that God will just step in and change the day because some famous person had a nice little quote... or they take Jeremiah 29:11 completely out of context... Someone who could use some encouragement or physical or financial help sinks. And learns not to trust people at all.
In the best case scenario, they yield everything to God who comforts them in their affliction from the inside. That's what God does. He molds hearts and conforms them to Himself. It is OUR job to bring on the real encouragement, give the leg up, assist, give... do the earthly things we can do because we can!!
The other scenario is that they will just give up. Give up on people, God, life...
The supernatural healings and fixer upping is not going to happen the majority of the time.
For every King David, Esther, Job, Abraham, guy healed at the pool by Jesus himself (who left all kinds of them still sick on their mats), there are thousands who were not blessed in a financial way or healed.
And its ok. But we really need to get real about God and who He is and ditch our fantasy version happily ever after on earth God.
Apparently the sick of all kinds would lie around this pool and periodically the waters of the pool would be supernaturally stirred and the first person to jump in.. or get thrown in would be healed.
I know that sounds a little glib... but there is a point here.
NOT EVERYONE WAS HEALED
In fact, a very small percentage of people were healed. They had faith!! This one guy had been hanging out there for 38 YEARS!!! I'm sure others were there that long, or longer or only 20 or so years. This is faith!! Not a passing kind of faith. A genuine, deep down abiding faith that God was going to do some healings.
I don't know how often these healings happened. Obviously not that often. 38 years is a long time to wait.
Belief wasn't enough. These people believed they could be healed... and there would be a healing... and the vast majority were not healed.
Does this mean God isn't enough? nope
Here is another thought.... These are sick people. I am sending out a 2000 year old (approximate) kudos to the ladies and gents who took care of these hurting people. There had to be some... you don't sit around for 38 years without being fed.
We tend to have the mentality that God is just going to help all these people who have faith to believe that God can and will help them and then sit back and watch for God to get the job done... like Jonah and the Ninevah thing. Here is what usually happens in that case. Hurting people become abandoned people... and hurt more. While the good Christian people believe that God will just step in and change the day because some famous person had a nice little quote... or they take Jeremiah 29:11 completely out of context... Someone who could use some encouragement or physical or financial help sinks. And learns not to trust people at all.
In the best case scenario, they yield everything to God who comforts them in their affliction from the inside. That's what God does. He molds hearts and conforms them to Himself. It is OUR job to bring on the real encouragement, give the leg up, assist, give... do the earthly things we can do because we can!!
The other scenario is that they will just give up. Give up on people, God, life...
The supernatural healings and fixer upping is not going to happen the majority of the time.
For every King David, Esther, Job, Abraham, guy healed at the pool by Jesus himself (who left all kinds of them still sick on their mats), there are thousands who were not blessed in a financial way or healed.
And its ok. But we really need to get real about God and who He is and ditch our fantasy version happily ever after on earth God.
I am going to get myself in trouble.... BUT....
Lately there seems to be some discussion about God's plans and purposes for people lives. I know people mean well when they see some things going on in my life that are hard and tell me to have patience because God will bring much blessing from this.... and they mean here on earth.
Do I believe God CAN do this?? Yes, I do.
Do I believe God WANTS to fix everything?? duh, yeah
Do I believe it's a definite that God will? Nope. I do not apologize for this. God is not my puppet.
He MAY shower me with so many material blessings that I won't be able to use it all. He may lead someone to think I am the most amazing woman on the planet and fall madly in love with me so my kids could have a daddy. He may make me a huge success and the toast of the town... like a BIG town ... even bigger than the rural NB town I live on the outskirts of the outskirts on.
BUT HE MAY NOT!!!
And its not because my faith is lacking or God is lacking.... Simply because that it is not what He chooses to do. AND IT IS ALL GOOD!!!
If I am sick, if more of my kids have problems, if I struggle to find funds to always get groceries, if I spend my life lonely, should my kids all grow up and leave and I work at McD's and never can afford to buy clothes from a dept store and I look old and stink.... GOD IS STILL GOOD AND IT'S ALL OK!
There seems to be a common misconception that if we are believers and have faith that God will work all things out here on earth that it will happen. That, my friends, is bull-ka-ka. It is unscriptural, doesn't go along with history at all, and we are told to stay away from all ear tickling doctrine. I claim it, I believe it, hallelujah it's gonna happen is ear tickling. God can still say no. And does a lot.
I say no to my kids all the time. No more sugar. No to more tv. No to more video games. No to staying inside all day on a beautiful day. No to getting everything you want. Wait sometimes for something you may even need. Not because I don't love my kids, but they are asking for the wrong things at times.
I want God to say no to me when my wants or needs aren't the best for me at the time... or simply so I will know that I love God not for what He does for me physically, but what He does for me spiritually and eternally. I love God for what He has done for me... whether earthly blessings come or not.
It's easy to twist scripture around to make it seem like God is just waiting to shower money on us if we just believe... its also easy to read and study and see that its baloney. However, most don't even need scripture. We have little fortune cookie style sound bites from big name preachers that don't even pretend to come from scripture and we shout out "AMEN!! I claim this! I need this! Let it be so, Lord Jesus!!"
Here is the truth.... its all lies. Jesus doesn't promise fixes, He promises a comforter. He doesn't promise earthly love, He promises He loves us and will never leave us or abandon us. He doesn't promise good health, but everlasting life. He doesn't promise the temporal but the eternal. He doesn't promise a full refrigerator, He IS the bread of life and living water.
You may choose the good earthly stuff. I choose the creator of it. Whatever He deems best for me I will accept with gratitude. I will expect the very best.... peace, love, joy, hope, life, wisdom, truth... and be very, very content.
Do I believe God CAN do this?? Yes, I do.
Do I believe God WANTS to fix everything?? duh, yeah
Do I believe it's a definite that God will? Nope. I do not apologize for this. God is not my puppet.
He MAY shower me with so many material blessings that I won't be able to use it all. He may lead someone to think I am the most amazing woman on the planet and fall madly in love with me so my kids could have a daddy. He may make me a huge success and the toast of the town... like a BIG town ... even bigger than the rural NB town I live on the outskirts of the outskirts on.
BUT HE MAY NOT!!!
And its not because my faith is lacking or God is lacking.... Simply because that it is not what He chooses to do. AND IT IS ALL GOOD!!!
If I am sick, if more of my kids have problems, if I struggle to find funds to always get groceries, if I spend my life lonely, should my kids all grow up and leave and I work at McD's and never can afford to buy clothes from a dept store and I look old and stink.... GOD IS STILL GOOD AND IT'S ALL OK!
There seems to be a common misconception that if we are believers and have faith that God will work all things out here on earth that it will happen. That, my friends, is bull-ka-ka. It is unscriptural, doesn't go along with history at all, and we are told to stay away from all ear tickling doctrine. I claim it, I believe it, hallelujah it's gonna happen is ear tickling. God can still say no. And does a lot.
I say no to my kids all the time. No more sugar. No to more tv. No to more video games. No to staying inside all day on a beautiful day. No to getting everything you want. Wait sometimes for something you may even need. Not because I don't love my kids, but they are asking for the wrong things at times.
I want God to say no to me when my wants or needs aren't the best for me at the time... or simply so I will know that I love God not for what He does for me physically, but what He does for me spiritually and eternally. I love God for what He has done for me... whether earthly blessings come or not.
It's easy to twist scripture around to make it seem like God is just waiting to shower money on us if we just believe... its also easy to read and study and see that its baloney. However, most don't even need scripture. We have little fortune cookie style sound bites from big name preachers that don't even pretend to come from scripture and we shout out "AMEN!! I claim this! I need this! Let it be so, Lord Jesus!!"
Here is the truth.... its all lies. Jesus doesn't promise fixes, He promises a comforter. He doesn't promise earthly love, He promises He loves us and will never leave us or abandon us. He doesn't promise good health, but everlasting life. He doesn't promise the temporal but the eternal. He doesn't promise a full refrigerator, He IS the bread of life and living water.
You may choose the good earthly stuff. I choose the creator of it. Whatever He deems best for me I will accept with gratitude. I will expect the very best.... peace, love, joy, hope, life, wisdom, truth... and be very, very content.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Another "solitary" day
For the second day this week the kiddos are off with their dad for another family gathering.
Today the little boys were quite upset that I wasn't invited!! I love them so much!!
Their little hearts are innocent and sweet. My ties to this family are my children and its ok that I am not on guest list.
That brings me to another day!! Tuesday I read Ezra, and puttered, and napped!! Today I gathered laptop, phones, Bible, pens, snacks, etc, and holed up in my room!!!
So far I have played music and cleaned out stuff that is long over due for a purging. I found 8 lip glosses/sticks and 3 boxes of mints!! Most of what I found is just junk!!! This is good. One box is filled with junk and another one is started!!
Why is so hard to get rid of stuff that clearly is not doing anything for me??... its only weighing me down.
Why do I entertain thoughts in my head that do the same thing. Sometimes my head is so cluttered I can barely breathe. 2 Cor 10:5 says "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ."
I am guilty of entertaining loose thoughts, and sometimes let emotions and impulses loose too! Ack, ouch, grrrr..... I have every tool I need to tear down barriers and fit my emotions, thoughts and impulses to the structure Christ is shaping me into.... The secret is to know that I need Christ to help. This is great since He happens to be here ALL THE TIME!! The same power that raised Him from the dead is living in me ... ready and oh so wanting to shape me into the me He designed me to be!!!
Including my thoughts, emotions and impulses!!!
How cool is that!!!!
Lately my mind just keeps wandering into regret and the fact that I miss a friend of mine so very much!! Is it ok miss someone? You betcha' it is!!! But I need to leave Him in God's very capable, loving hands and not dwell on it.
Right now God is doing a purging, healing... painful, and necessary work in me. I both don't like it much... and am so thankful that He is faithful to complete the work He started in me! He is so faithful! This I know.... God will always be faithful to me.
I found this quote today from Samuel Hopkins in 1803. Its from his sermon "The Friendship Between Jesus Christ and Believers"
"Faithfulness is essential to the character of a friend: without this there can be no safety in intimacy with and confidence in Him."
Jesus Christ is my faithful friend. I can trust Him with my entire life. It's all good.
In reading this over, I decided I must be the rambliest blogger ever!! It's still all good!!
Today the little boys were quite upset that I wasn't invited!! I love them so much!!
Their little hearts are innocent and sweet. My ties to this family are my children and its ok that I am not on guest list.
That brings me to another day!! Tuesday I read Ezra, and puttered, and napped!! Today I gathered laptop, phones, Bible, pens, snacks, etc, and holed up in my room!!!
So far I have played music and cleaned out stuff that is long over due for a purging. I found 8 lip glosses/sticks and 3 boxes of mints!! Most of what I found is just junk!!! This is good. One box is filled with junk and another one is started!!
Why is so hard to get rid of stuff that clearly is not doing anything for me??... its only weighing me down.
Why do I entertain thoughts in my head that do the same thing. Sometimes my head is so cluttered I can barely breathe. 2 Cor 10:5 says "We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ."
I am guilty of entertaining loose thoughts, and sometimes let emotions and impulses loose too! Ack, ouch, grrrr..... I have every tool I need to tear down barriers and fit my emotions, thoughts and impulses to the structure Christ is shaping me into.... The secret is to know that I need Christ to help. This is great since He happens to be here ALL THE TIME!! The same power that raised Him from the dead is living in me ... ready and oh so wanting to shape me into the me He designed me to be!!!
Including my thoughts, emotions and impulses!!!
How cool is that!!!!
Lately my mind just keeps wandering into regret and the fact that I miss a friend of mine so very much!! Is it ok miss someone? You betcha' it is!!! But I need to leave Him in God's very capable, loving hands and not dwell on it.
Right now God is doing a purging, healing... painful, and necessary work in me. I both don't like it much... and am so thankful that He is faithful to complete the work He started in me! He is so faithful! This I know.... God will always be faithful to me.
I found this quote today from Samuel Hopkins in 1803. Its from his sermon "The Friendship Between Jesus Christ and Believers"
"Faithfulness is essential to the character of a friend: without this there can be no safety in intimacy with and confidence in Him."
Jesus Christ is my faithful friend. I can trust Him with my entire life. It's all good.
In reading this over, I decided I must be the rambliest blogger ever!! It's still all good!!
Thursday, June 05, 2014
Mid-Crisis Ramble
The city of Moncton is basically locked down. A troubled young man in camo and heavily armed is playing a deadly game of hide and seek with the police.
It will not end well.
2 officers are wounded in hospital.
3 officers are dead.
No one is sure where this young man is.
Darkness is falling again... its pouring rain... visibility is going to be terrible tonight. And the city, and province, and nation are waiting. Waiting for the next sighting, the next gunshot, the next (God forbid) fatality, and ultimately the end of this nightmare.
26 hours ago, no one knew three families would lose beloved family members. No one could imagine a little city in New Brunswick would be joined together by fear and sorrow. Even if given a heads up, we would have thought, not here!! This doesn't happen here. But its happening.
Life is so short.... and so filled with twists and turns and shocking events. Life is stressful.
This I know... God is faithful and above this. God knows where the gunman is. He cries with the grieving. He loves all those who are waiting and fearful. We can trust Him.
Life is too short for misunderstandings, and leaving things unsaid and undone... yet we do that. In the officers last moments were they stressed because they were leaving relationships hanging? Did they know they were loved? Did they know that they did everything possible to leave this world better than they found it? Did they know God? Did they know where they were going?
In my last moments I will know I loved lavishly... I will know I introduced all of my children to their Heavenly father and I will see them again. I know where I'm going. My trip has been paid for and prepared for. In most ways I will be content. The relationships that have been failures still mock me. Most are completely irreparable. My relationship with the kids dad has come to a place of peace and acceptance. Only one broken relationship still has the power to make me cry.
Life may be to short for misunderstandings and hurt... but sometimes you have to realize its a huge part of life.
I have not left a huge mark on this world... and that's ok. I have made many, many, many mistakes...and wish I didn't. My needs are small. I am happy.
God bless the families, friends and co-workers of these fallen heroes. God bless the people of Moncton. Praying peace and protection for all of them.
It will not end well.
2 officers are wounded in hospital.
3 officers are dead.
No one is sure where this young man is.
Darkness is falling again... its pouring rain... visibility is going to be terrible tonight. And the city, and province, and nation are waiting. Waiting for the next sighting, the next gunshot, the next (God forbid) fatality, and ultimately the end of this nightmare.
26 hours ago, no one knew three families would lose beloved family members. No one could imagine a little city in New Brunswick would be joined together by fear and sorrow. Even if given a heads up, we would have thought, not here!! This doesn't happen here. But its happening.
Life is so short.... and so filled with twists and turns and shocking events. Life is stressful.
This I know... God is faithful and above this. God knows where the gunman is. He cries with the grieving. He loves all those who are waiting and fearful. We can trust Him.
Life is too short for misunderstandings, and leaving things unsaid and undone... yet we do that. In the officers last moments were they stressed because they were leaving relationships hanging? Did they know they were loved? Did they know that they did everything possible to leave this world better than they found it? Did they know God? Did they know where they were going?
In my last moments I will know I loved lavishly... I will know I introduced all of my children to their Heavenly father and I will see them again. I know where I'm going. My trip has been paid for and prepared for. In most ways I will be content. The relationships that have been failures still mock me. Most are completely irreparable. My relationship with the kids dad has come to a place of peace and acceptance. Only one broken relationship still has the power to make me cry.
Life may be to short for misunderstandings and hurt... but sometimes you have to realize its a huge part of life.
I have not left a huge mark on this world... and that's ok. I have made many, many, many mistakes...and wish I didn't. My needs are small. I am happy.
God bless the families, friends and co-workers of these fallen heroes. God bless the people of Moncton. Praying peace and protection for all of them.
Sunday, June 01, 2014
My Isaac Moment...for this week anyway...
So.... I figure that if God is going to take the time to teach me so much lately, I should document it so I can remember this later! Knowing myself the way I do, forgetting what I have learned my usual deal and then I have to learn it all again later!!
Thank you to Francine for helping me to get this! Though to be fair to God, He had prepared my heart to receive what she had to say in a very personal way.
This spring I have experience several losses in my life... Ha Ha Ha... Let's get real!!! This past decade has been a series of losses! It has also been a decade of growth and amazingness!! I am so thankful that God doesn't just leave us in a pit of misery, He always provides stuff to be thankful for!!
But where do I focus??
If my focus is on God and the good stuff .... it's all good... UNTIL something BIG or small gets in the way and I am swallowed up by grief again.
But THIS spring... This is the spring where God asked me for the only thing that was almost impossible to give.. something that kept me teary for a week as I fought this... and fought myself. I happen to know that God is completely trustworthy and that His way is so far above mine! So the battle was with my heart and my mind. My heart was so broken... how could God ask this of me?? My mind was slapping my heart upside the head... God will take care of me. Its ok... trust.
What did he want? The ONE thing that was MINE, MINE.... ALL MINE!!! My dreams for my future. Tentative dreams... babies of ideas and sweet bits of hope. He wanted my innermost self... to give it all up!
I had just began to allow myself to dream about the future. My life had been one of survival! Who had time to dream of anything? Not me. Did God not want me to have anything? What if He left me here just trying to survive forever? What if this was it? Could I trust God with my life if I could never look forward to anything?
Did Abraham think that way when he was asked to relinquish Isaac, his precious son? Duh!! Of course not! God covenanted with Abraham that Isaac was the son of promise! He couldn't die! Abraham knew God had to do something special or God would be a liar.... IMPOSSIBLE!!!
So rather smugly I imagine my decision is harder than Abraham's. I am an idiot sometimes. God has covenanted with me too. "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it" and He promises plans for good for me, HOPE, a future!!
He can't leave me with no dreams and hope, because He already has them for me. Could I give up mine for His?? How could I not. So.... its all gone. My plans... my future... my goals... my dreams... and they were all good ones. And yet, I can give them all up because God's are so crazily better!!! I don't say this because I have a clue what they are.... I say it because I know who HE is!! He has a fantabulous plan for me. A journey only I can take and its gonna be wonderful!
Until then... I will wait. I will make a little book of remembrances. I will be faithful in the day to day and will pray that I will not be grieved by what is lost, but live in excitement for what is ahead!!!
A disclaimer may be necessary... people tend to ask WHO when discussing loss. My journey is not about the people who walk in and out of it. It is about me and the walk I have with God. My dreams I talk about are the innermost part of me... not dreams regarding another person. There are many people I miss too... Several this year for various reasons... However, this is not what this post is about!!
Thank you to Francine for helping me to get this! Though to be fair to God, He had prepared my heart to receive what she had to say in a very personal way.
This spring I have experience several losses in my life... Ha Ha Ha... Let's get real!!! This past decade has been a series of losses! It has also been a decade of growth and amazingness!! I am so thankful that God doesn't just leave us in a pit of misery, He always provides stuff to be thankful for!!
But where do I focus??
If my focus is on God and the good stuff .... it's all good... UNTIL something BIG or small gets in the way and I am swallowed up by grief again.
But THIS spring... This is the spring where God asked me for the only thing that was almost impossible to give.. something that kept me teary for a week as I fought this... and fought myself. I happen to know that God is completely trustworthy and that His way is so far above mine! So the battle was with my heart and my mind. My heart was so broken... how could God ask this of me?? My mind was slapping my heart upside the head... God will take care of me. Its ok... trust.
What did he want? The ONE thing that was MINE, MINE.... ALL MINE!!! My dreams for my future. Tentative dreams... babies of ideas and sweet bits of hope. He wanted my innermost self... to give it all up!
I had just began to allow myself to dream about the future. My life had been one of survival! Who had time to dream of anything? Not me. Did God not want me to have anything? What if He left me here just trying to survive forever? What if this was it? Could I trust God with my life if I could never look forward to anything?
Did Abraham think that way when he was asked to relinquish Isaac, his precious son? Duh!! Of course not! God covenanted with Abraham that Isaac was the son of promise! He couldn't die! Abraham knew God had to do something special or God would be a liar.... IMPOSSIBLE!!!
So rather smugly I imagine my decision is harder than Abraham's. I am an idiot sometimes. God has covenanted with me too. "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it" and He promises plans for good for me, HOPE, a future!!
He can't leave me with no dreams and hope, because He already has them for me. Could I give up mine for His?? How could I not. So.... its all gone. My plans... my future... my goals... my dreams... and they were all good ones. And yet, I can give them all up because God's are so crazily better!!! I don't say this because I have a clue what they are.... I say it because I know who HE is!! He has a fantabulous plan for me. A journey only I can take and its gonna be wonderful!
Until then... I will wait. I will make a little book of remembrances. I will be faithful in the day to day and will pray that I will not be grieved by what is lost, but live in excitement for what is ahead!!!
A disclaimer may be necessary... people tend to ask WHO when discussing loss. My journey is not about the people who walk in and out of it. It is about me and the walk I have with God. My dreams I talk about are the innermost part of me... not dreams regarding another person. There are many people I miss too... Several this year for various reasons... However, this is not what this post is about!!
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Good stuff, Baby!!! Good stuff!!
Some people blog... some BLOG.... and others BLOG!!!!!
I blog.
The word blog makes me feel like I am drowning or about to choke. Who came up with that word anyway??
Actually, I blog when my life hasn't got much going on in it. Otherwise I am busy with the good stuff in life. The planning and the doing and the socializing and the talking to real people instead of a computer. It's a shame really as the good stuff tends to get all but forgotten.
Here is the good stuff as it stands today....
I have 2 adorable little boys (6&8) whose fave thing, besides playing on the wii, is cuddling with their momma and telling me how much they love me. I am completely enamored with them! They tell me stories, find me treasures and create things for me. Quite honestly, if this is an indication of how they are going to treat their future girl friends/wives, I am so beyond impressed. From experience, its better than any adult dude has ever treated me. They think of so many special things to please me... are delighted when they know they do... and when I am sad, they don't try to fix anything, they just cuddle me and love me.
Then there is Jack. He is so intelligent and empathetic and discerning. He has such a trust in God and a belief that I will always find a way to fix anything. He trusts that God will always show me what to do if I just wait. Jack knows how to pray. He is uplifting and encouraging... and I am absolutely crazy about him!!!!
Molly... what can I say? The kid is amazing!!! Such a helpful, capable, funny daughter there has never been. She is great with babies, can bake bread, do laundry, clean bathrooms... on and on and on... She is beautiful, generous, insightful and loves God with all her heart. Where ever she goes people comment on how wonderful she is... and for good reason. I am so darned proud of this kid.
She deserves a vacation... which I happen to have planned next month for her and...
Courtney! Courtney, the easiest teen to raise on the planet. She is beautiful, sweet and is my right hand. When I am killing myself mowing the lawn (if you know my yard you understand its brutal to mow) she is inside preparing the next meal and making things nice. She is creative and has a gift for making the plain special. She is simply a delight to have around.
Today, as most days, all 5 of the kids spent time just hanging out and enjoying each other. Today it was outside. Sure its not always perfect, but our lives are full of laughing and so much fun. We miss having the older kids around, but are enjoying this stage of our lives to the fullest.
This is my life... this is my family... this is my joy... this is my calling... this is me
These are the ones who aren't afraid to be loved and are not afraid to love. We can rest in the relationships we have and are not worried that if we sneeze the wrong way or say the wrong thing at the wrong time we will walk out or turn our backs on each other.
I love these kids... and Cait, Matt and Connor so incredibly much!!!! Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am to be the mom to the most incredible people I know!!
I blog.
The word blog makes me feel like I am drowning or about to choke. Who came up with that word anyway??
Actually, I blog when my life hasn't got much going on in it. Otherwise I am busy with the good stuff in life. The planning and the doing and the socializing and the talking to real people instead of a computer. It's a shame really as the good stuff tends to get all but forgotten.
Here is the good stuff as it stands today....
I have 2 adorable little boys (6&8) whose fave thing, besides playing on the wii, is cuddling with their momma and telling me how much they love me. I am completely enamored with them! They tell me stories, find me treasures and create things for me. Quite honestly, if this is an indication of how they are going to treat their future girl friends/wives, I am so beyond impressed. From experience, its better than any adult dude has ever treated me. They think of so many special things to please me... are delighted when they know they do... and when I am sad, they don't try to fix anything, they just cuddle me and love me.
Then there is Jack. He is so intelligent and empathetic and discerning. He has such a trust in God and a belief that I will always find a way to fix anything. He trusts that God will always show me what to do if I just wait. Jack knows how to pray. He is uplifting and encouraging... and I am absolutely crazy about him!!!!
Molly... what can I say? The kid is amazing!!! Such a helpful, capable, funny daughter there has never been. She is great with babies, can bake bread, do laundry, clean bathrooms... on and on and on... She is beautiful, generous, insightful and loves God with all her heart. Where ever she goes people comment on how wonderful she is... and for good reason. I am so darned proud of this kid.
She deserves a vacation... which I happen to have planned next month for her and...
Courtney! Courtney, the easiest teen to raise on the planet. She is beautiful, sweet and is my right hand. When I am killing myself mowing the lawn (if you know my yard you understand its brutal to mow) she is inside preparing the next meal and making things nice. She is creative and has a gift for making the plain special. She is simply a delight to have around.
Today, as most days, all 5 of the kids spent time just hanging out and enjoying each other. Today it was outside. Sure its not always perfect, but our lives are full of laughing and so much fun. We miss having the older kids around, but are enjoying this stage of our lives to the fullest.
This is my life... this is my family... this is my joy... this is my calling... this is me
These are the ones who aren't afraid to be loved and are not afraid to love. We can rest in the relationships we have and are not worried that if we sneeze the wrong way or say the wrong thing at the wrong time we will walk out or turn our backs on each other.
I love these kids... and Cait, Matt and Connor so incredibly much!!!! Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am to be the mom to the most incredible people I know!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Wow!! So tired!!!
I thought I would get on this and rant tonight... but now that I'm here I don't want to rant.
I'm tired
I'm sad
I'm disappointed
Reality is, so far in my life there has been a lot of disappointment... and that's ok. My life is better than 90% of the world's population. I am not complaining.
It's this. I have trust issues. There are some wonderful people in my life who I just trust... with everything. I trust they care about me. I trust that we can have a knock down drag out fight and they will still be my friend. Please note that I am not in the habit of having know down drag out fights with my friends, but last year it happened when a friend stood up to me for my own good. I respect that. She didn't care if I liked her in the end, she wanted me safe. And I didn't get it. I have also apologized and we moved on.... together... as in we are still friends!!!
There are also those I have chosen to trust and they aren't trustworthy. I'm not sure whether its because they are hurt and need someone to be tenacious with or if they really are not worthy of trust and I should walk away for good. Is it being a friend to let them leave or not? Because I have been hurt (and I have), sticking my neck out to be told to go away again is a huge risk. Its embarrassing and so hurtful to be rejected over and over again.
I want to be a good friend... but I also need to know this person is MY friend. I miss them so much. There is so much going on here lately. Caitie moved out west ... with my precious grandson... my divorce is getting finalized... there are court things going on with my son... we are selling the house and uprooting.... and I have to mow my large yard that has disgustingly uneven terrain with my little Honda push mower. I am so tired physically and emotionally.
I am so glad to know that God is still in control of everything. He knows my weakness, and my hurt and He is carrying it. He also knows my friend. I don't want to lose another friend. For those of you who really know me, I love my friends. Even if we don't see each other often, I am praying for them... crying with them... rejoicing with them... hurting with them. Loving someone who is walking away is so hard. Especially when its like this.
I just read my last post... from December. Wow!! It seems like I only blog when someone walks. 2 people who acted in almost the same way. I need to blog more. There are a lot of happy times. Next time something great ... or just good... happens, I'm blogging!!!!
I'm tired
I'm sad
I'm disappointed
Reality is, so far in my life there has been a lot of disappointment... and that's ok. My life is better than 90% of the world's population. I am not complaining.
It's this. I have trust issues. There are some wonderful people in my life who I just trust... with everything. I trust they care about me. I trust that we can have a knock down drag out fight and they will still be my friend. Please note that I am not in the habit of having know down drag out fights with my friends, but last year it happened when a friend stood up to me for my own good. I respect that. She didn't care if I liked her in the end, she wanted me safe. And I didn't get it. I have also apologized and we moved on.... together... as in we are still friends!!!
There are also those I have chosen to trust and they aren't trustworthy. I'm not sure whether its because they are hurt and need someone to be tenacious with or if they really are not worthy of trust and I should walk away for good. Is it being a friend to let them leave or not? Because I have been hurt (and I have), sticking my neck out to be told to go away again is a huge risk. Its embarrassing and so hurtful to be rejected over and over again.
I want to be a good friend... but I also need to know this person is MY friend. I miss them so much. There is so much going on here lately. Caitie moved out west ... with my precious grandson... my divorce is getting finalized... there are court things going on with my son... we are selling the house and uprooting.... and I have to mow my large yard that has disgustingly uneven terrain with my little Honda push mower. I am so tired physically and emotionally.
I am so glad to know that God is still in control of everything. He knows my weakness, and my hurt and He is carrying it. He also knows my friend. I don't want to lose another friend. For those of you who really know me, I love my friends. Even if we don't see each other often, I am praying for them... crying with them... rejoicing with them... hurting with them. Loving someone who is walking away is so hard. Especially when its like this.
I just read my last post... from December. Wow!! It seems like I only blog when someone walks. 2 people who acted in almost the same way. I need to blog more. There are a lot of happy times. Next time something great ... or just good... happens, I'm blogging!!!!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Transience
I find myself wondering at the transience of .... life I guess...
We have moved so many times I'm not sure if I will ever feel truly home anywhere... and I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me any more. I hope my kids have a greater sense of stability, but an even greater sense of family and loyalty and love and trust.
What really has me thinking though, is the transience of people in my life.
Some have been there forever... Joy and Diane stand out. Regardless of distance or time
apart, they aren't transient... they are permanent, forever friends. ... even if I were a complete jerk and did something horribly bad to them, they would let me get my stuff together and welcome me back with open arms. They are quality people and they love me. And I love them.
What gets me is that there are people who I come to care for and enjoy their friendship and they have a bad day and they are out of my life. Maybe I am a complete moron... and I have not ruled this out... but everyone is entitled to a bad day or a frustrating rant or whatever. Its ok to acknowledge that it is what it is... but do you throw a friendship away over a bad day? Apparently so. Even if all is apologised, forgiven and put behind ... transient friends. I would never throw a friend away.
Friendship is a two way street though. I am thinking, with few exceptions, a lot of folks don't know how to or want to have lifelong friendships. Its ok to mess up. One lady I know, and used to be close to made a mistake which I thought was no big deal... but it is to her. She can't get over this. And our friendship is no more because of it.
This past week I told someone I didn't like it when they were rude to me. This person was rude... said they were "not refined" and having a bad day. And I didn't get it. Apparently I am an idiot, because I didn't. I don't. I don't know why a bad day means the whole friendship doesn't matter.
Yes, I have struggled with self worth for a long time. For the first time, this doesn't affect my sense of who I am. For all the people who would rather leave a friendship than offer an apology, I feel badly for you. You were an idiot and were also forgiven. I will be an idiot someday and would appreciate forgiveness. Maybe I was... I do not understand where people are coming from when they refuse to be blunt in what they are saying. I am not good at reading "beat around the bush" and never have been.
Right now, there is so much good going on in my life, that I would like to share it. I am excited about what is and the possibilities of what may be in the future. The only thing that makes me sad is that some friends, who I deeply care about, don't seem to want to be in my future. On a positive note, someday.... being transient may be a good thing. Someday, I may need to uproot and it will be easier if my roots aren't too strong.
We have moved so many times I'm not sure if I will ever feel truly home anywhere... and I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me any more. I hope my kids have a greater sense of stability, but an even greater sense of family and loyalty and love and trust.
What really has me thinking though, is the transience of people in my life.
Some have been there forever... Joy and Diane stand out. Regardless of distance or time
apart, they aren't transient... they are permanent, forever friends. ... even if I were a complete jerk and did something horribly bad to them, they would let me get my stuff together and welcome me back with open arms. They are quality people and they love me. And I love them.
What gets me is that there are people who I come to care for and enjoy their friendship and they have a bad day and they are out of my life. Maybe I am a complete moron... and I have not ruled this out... but everyone is entitled to a bad day or a frustrating rant or whatever. Its ok to acknowledge that it is what it is... but do you throw a friendship away over a bad day? Apparently so. Even if all is apologised, forgiven and put behind ... transient friends. I would never throw a friend away.
Friendship is a two way street though. I am thinking, with few exceptions, a lot of folks don't know how to or want to have lifelong friendships. Its ok to mess up. One lady I know, and used to be close to made a mistake which I thought was no big deal... but it is to her. She can't get over this. And our friendship is no more because of it.
This past week I told someone I didn't like it when they were rude to me. This person was rude... said they were "not refined" and having a bad day. And I didn't get it. Apparently I am an idiot, because I didn't. I don't. I don't know why a bad day means the whole friendship doesn't matter.
Yes, I have struggled with self worth for a long time. For the first time, this doesn't affect my sense of who I am. For all the people who would rather leave a friendship than offer an apology, I feel badly for you. You were an idiot and were also forgiven. I will be an idiot someday and would appreciate forgiveness. Maybe I was... I do not understand where people are coming from when they refuse to be blunt in what they are saying. I am not good at reading "beat around the bush" and never have been.
Right now, there is so much good going on in my life, that I would like to share it. I am excited about what is and the possibilities of what may be in the future. The only thing that makes me sad is that some friends, who I deeply care about, don't seem to want to be in my future. On a positive note, someday.... being transient may be a good thing. Someday, I may need to uproot and it will be easier if my roots aren't too strong.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
My Tribute
There is a song that goes..
How can I say thanks
For the things You have done for me,
Things so undeserved,
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
With His power He has raised me,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
© 1971, Andrae Crouch
Somehow, in all the bustle of Thanksgiving... and being
thankful for family, friends, food... stuff... I forgot to be
thankful for the most important of all!! My Tribute... go up
and read it again!!
How can I say thanks
For the things You have done for me,
Things so undeserved,
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be,
I owe it all to Thee.
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
With His power He has raised me,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
© 1971, Andrae Crouch
Somehow, in all the bustle of Thanksgiving... and being
thankful for family, friends, food... stuff... I forgot to be
thankful for the most important of all!! My Tribute... go up
and read it again!!
Friday, October 04, 2013
whew!!
And just like that... looking into someone's eyes and sharing from your heart changes it all!!!
Founders of Skype... Praying remarkable and amazing blessings on you!!!
Maybe the more important the person to whom you are communicating, the more bungled the job becomes... over thinking, over interpreting, what ever!!!
But when it all slows down, and you look into his eyes... and smile... and he smiles back and his eyes spark... you just know... what ever fear you had doesn't really exist...
And you are even almost willing to cheer for the Bruins, just to make him happy... because seeing him smile is more important than cheering for a team you haven't watch play for years anyway. Bruins though?? This is BIG!!! But still an almost....
I've never actually wanted to Skype before... but if I get to see him... I'm OK with him being able to stare at me... and see every eyeball roll!! I am still smiling... and headed for bed now.
Founders of Skype... Praying remarkable and amazing blessings on you!!!
Maybe the more important the person to whom you are communicating, the more bungled the job becomes... over thinking, over interpreting, what ever!!!
But when it all slows down, and you look into his eyes... and smile... and he smiles back and his eyes spark... you just know... what ever fear you had doesn't really exist...
And you are even almost willing to cheer for the Bruins, just to make him happy... because seeing him smile is more important than cheering for a team you haven't watch play for years anyway. Bruins though?? This is BIG!!! But still an almost....
I've never actually wanted to Skype before... but if I get to see him... I'm OK with him being able to stare at me... and see every eyeball roll!! I am still smiling... and headed for bed now.
Thursday, October 03, 2013
Wow! Didn't see that one coming!!
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life...
Wow!! Didn't see that one coming!!!
Sometimes great! Sometimes not!
Would I like to see a month or 2 or 17 go smoothly and exactly as planned??
Why yes, yes I would!
I have 2 or 3 datebooks going at any time. I love to be scheduled and planned,
though I am flexible.... I have to be because my plans are jokes!!! Yes... jokes!!
But sometimes, the plan that backfires in one way, brings good things in another.
Being hurt today helped a friend open up about their pain in a way that hadn't been possible before.
As this friend is terrifically important to me, I am thankful for whatever it took to put me
in a place for them to open up... just a little.
We helped each other smile.. from a distance... and maybe even laugh.
Still, the part of my life that hurts... is huge. Why can't men and women communicate better?
Why do I have such a hard time hearing what is being said to me?
I know that insecurities play a part... but I don't think shouldering all the blame is right either. Quite honestly... I have always just accepted all the blame for whatever to make everyone else feel better... but I promised never to do that again. No relationship is perfect... its hard to figure it all out. Its fun to figure it all out. Its devastating to be misunderstood and to misunderstand...
Is it worth it? This one is! But I know for sure... I never want to START another relationship again... ever. Putting yourself on the line is opening yourself up for all kinds of hurt. Intentional or no...
Leaving an abusive relationship makes sense.... feeling like you may be missing out on something wonderful with someone incredible is beyond sad.
All I know is, this is so important... and my hope is that we can work through this. I have one person who I can talk to about everything... even a little of this... and a lot of how it makes me feel. I just wish that person was the one I am crazy about! I have never been so attracted to someone who has treated me well before... and don't want it to end.
Sometimes I feel like I am the person no one of worth could ever care about. But the King of the Universe thinks I am of utmost value. And has proven it!!
Today I don't feel like a princess.... I feel like a pauper... an untouchable... But the King of the Universe has adopted me... I am a princess... whether I feel like it or not. And my friend... who didn't call me a princess today (thanks bud)... I told him I didn't want to be called that again.. and he was having his own day... anyhow... usually tells me I am.
Time to go tuck in little boys and pick up my girls... and maybe do more laundry.... my life is so exciting!!!
Am still feeling numb inside. I think the things that are coming are taking their toll. Know it!! Today I said I hated the happy, hopeful me. OK, am still kind of there. Thankfully, feeling good all the time isn't a requirement of life. I had the perfect weekend. Sometimes when you have something perfect the enemy tries to destroy it. Yes... a weekend of perfect happiness for the second time... its more than some have in their lifetime... but I am greedy enough to want more.
Gotta run!!! Sorry if anyone read this drivel.... this post was completely for me!!
Wow!! Didn't see that one coming!!!
Sometimes great! Sometimes not!
Would I like to see a month or 2 or 17 go smoothly and exactly as planned??
Why yes, yes I would!
I have 2 or 3 datebooks going at any time. I love to be scheduled and planned,
though I am flexible.... I have to be because my plans are jokes!!! Yes... jokes!!
But sometimes, the plan that backfires in one way, brings good things in another.
Being hurt today helped a friend open up about their pain in a way that hadn't been possible before.
As this friend is terrifically important to me, I am thankful for whatever it took to put me
in a place for them to open up... just a little.
We helped each other smile.. from a distance... and maybe even laugh.
Still, the part of my life that hurts... is huge. Why can't men and women communicate better?
Why do I have such a hard time hearing what is being said to me?
I know that insecurities play a part... but I don't think shouldering all the blame is right either. Quite honestly... I have always just accepted all the blame for whatever to make everyone else feel better... but I promised never to do that again. No relationship is perfect... its hard to figure it all out. Its fun to figure it all out. Its devastating to be misunderstood and to misunderstand...
Is it worth it? This one is! But I know for sure... I never want to START another relationship again... ever. Putting yourself on the line is opening yourself up for all kinds of hurt. Intentional or no...
Leaving an abusive relationship makes sense.... feeling like you may be missing out on something wonderful with someone incredible is beyond sad.
All I know is, this is so important... and my hope is that we can work through this. I have one person who I can talk to about everything... even a little of this... and a lot of how it makes me feel. I just wish that person was the one I am crazy about! I have never been so attracted to someone who has treated me well before... and don't want it to end.
Sometimes I feel like I am the person no one of worth could ever care about. But the King of the Universe thinks I am of utmost value. And has proven it!!
Today I don't feel like a princess.... I feel like a pauper... an untouchable... But the King of the Universe has adopted me... I am a princess... whether I feel like it or not. And my friend... who didn't call me a princess today (thanks bud)... I told him I didn't want to be called that again.. and he was having his own day... anyhow... usually tells me I am.
Time to go tuck in little boys and pick up my girls... and maybe do more laundry.... my life is so exciting!!!
Am still feeling numb inside. I think the things that are coming are taking their toll. Know it!! Today I said I hated the happy, hopeful me. OK, am still kind of there. Thankfully, feeling good all the time isn't a requirement of life. I had the perfect weekend. Sometimes when you have something perfect the enemy tries to destroy it. Yes... a weekend of perfect happiness for the second time... its more than some have in their lifetime... but I am greedy enough to want more.
Gotta run!!! Sorry if anyone read this drivel.... this post was completely for me!!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
What do I want?
Why can't I just say what I want??
When asked what I want... I freeze. I just freeze.
Do you want....? If I say no, its a lie.... yes is the answer...
But it sticks in my mouth.
The more deeply I want to say yes, the more impossible it is.
And the battle to say yes is crushing me.
Why can't I allow myself to want.
I can want to help. I can want to give. I can want to provide wants for my kids.
But not for me.
So tonight... the question is asked...
Do you want.....??
And I could only answer when I knew it was too late.
The answer.... it was yes.
When asked what I want... I freeze. I just freeze.
Do you want....? If I say no, its a lie.... yes is the answer...
But it sticks in my mouth.
The more deeply I want to say yes, the more impossible it is.
And the battle to say yes is crushing me.
Why can't I allow myself to want.
I can want to help. I can want to give. I can want to provide wants for my kids.
But not for me.
So tonight... the question is asked...
Do you want.....??
And I could only answer when I knew it was too late.
The answer.... it was yes.
Monday, September 23, 2013
I want to stay grounded!!
These have been a crazy few days... not because of all the "stuff" we had to do..... even though we certainly had a lot going on.... but because I came ungrounded.
There is a problem with being ungrounded, because it starts so subtly and slowly you don't know its happening... UNTIL.... you turn into an emotional yo-yo!! I wish I could say this is the first time its ever happened.... or the last time it ever will... but it has before and may again!
It starts like this...
First everything is fine. I am focused on what I should be focused on, spend time in God's word, sing and dance and do my daily jobs with joy and its all good!! Things come up and I deal with them... well!!!
and then
I get lax. Maybe I skip my devos or stop focusing on the Lord altogether. My daily stuff becomes overwhelming, dancing and singing slowly disappear and suddenly I'm stressed.
Because of the stress every crisis becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't like myself and don't trust others... STOP!!!!
Walking in strength and power is what I am called to do... not my strength or power... HIS!! Its free!
Whoo hoo!! Sure it may look like its mine... but just because I am taking it.
By the way... I want to be like Jesus.
ok?? Isn't that what most of us want? I don't think so, because what we hear about Jesus and what the Bible says about Jesus do not jive... at all.
Jesus was a strong, powerful man who did not go along with mainstream society. He was a rebel... a zealot... and everyone noticed. Yes, he was a teacher, gentle, good and kind EXCEPT His teachings flew in the face of the religious traditions of His day. He argued with the religious authorities and called them a few choice names. Not to mention the infamous day he took out a bunch of merchants with a whip and did some major damage to their kiosks in the temple.
He wasn't a wimp, or a doormat by any means. He knew who He was and why He was on this planet and allowed no one to dissuade Him. If there was a wrong, He often just dealt with it... either in a physical way OR a verbal way. He was brilliant and of course knew exactly what to say to get His point across in the most clear way possible... unless He hid His point purposefully from all those except who He chose to have "in the know".
Being like Jesus does not mean lying down and letting everyone run over you. It doesn't mean being holier than thou and looking down on those who aren't perfect. It doesn't mean turning your back on those who are struggling... It doesn't mean taking a vow of poverty or being alone.
These days, we seem to be so afraid of how things may appear that we have lost sight of who Christ is!!! He is the guy who spent some major alone time with a woman who had several husbands and live in boyfriends and was considered the town slut. HE hung out with her!!! In fact, he hung out with prostitutes and sinners. That was what he was known for!!
What kind of reputation was He after?
He wasn't.
He didn't care what people said. He was there for everyone and anyone and to heck with anyone that didn't care for how He did that. There was a time to be quietly firm... but a time to be in your face as well. I am learning to stand up for my family.... and for me. Part of me hates that I have to put someone else out... but I am now putting my job as head of this household ahead of people who aren't in this household... and I am not sorry... nor do I feel guilty.
I will make friends and maintain them at my comfort level.... I keep in close contact with those who are uplifting and also have the guts to say... "what's your problem lately? you are all over the place? where is your faith?"
I am also liking the encouragement... "I'm proud of you" "great job"... this goes a long way.
There are those who treat me like Jesus would who don't even know Him... and I would be happy to make that introduction... and some who know Him and certainly don't treat me (or anyone else) like Christ would.. and that is really sad.
So... thanks to my online journal... I can get all this out... and read it in a month or 2... and be able to look back and see if I remember.
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
And then... I am grounded again!!!
There is a problem with being ungrounded, because it starts so subtly and slowly you don't know its happening... UNTIL.... you turn into an emotional yo-yo!! I wish I could say this is the first time its ever happened.... or the last time it ever will... but it has before and may again!
It starts like this...
First everything is fine. I am focused on what I should be focused on, spend time in God's word, sing and dance and do my daily jobs with joy and its all good!! Things come up and I deal with them... well!!!
and then
I get lax. Maybe I skip my devos or stop focusing on the Lord altogether. My daily stuff becomes overwhelming, dancing and singing slowly disappear and suddenly I'm stressed.
Because of the stress every crisis becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't like myself and don't trust others... STOP!!!!
Walking in strength and power is what I am called to do... not my strength or power... HIS!! Its free!
Whoo hoo!! Sure it may look like its mine... but just because I am taking it.
By the way... I want to be like Jesus.
ok?? Isn't that what most of us want? I don't think so, because what we hear about Jesus and what the Bible says about Jesus do not jive... at all.
Jesus was a strong, powerful man who did not go along with mainstream society. He was a rebel... a zealot... and everyone noticed. Yes, he was a teacher, gentle, good and kind EXCEPT His teachings flew in the face of the religious traditions of His day. He argued with the religious authorities and called them a few choice names. Not to mention the infamous day he took out a bunch of merchants with a whip and did some major damage to their kiosks in the temple.
He wasn't a wimp, or a doormat by any means. He knew who He was and why He was on this planet and allowed no one to dissuade Him. If there was a wrong, He often just dealt with it... either in a physical way OR a verbal way. He was brilliant and of course knew exactly what to say to get His point across in the most clear way possible... unless He hid His point purposefully from all those except who He chose to have "in the know".
Being like Jesus does not mean lying down and letting everyone run over you. It doesn't mean being holier than thou and looking down on those who aren't perfect. It doesn't mean turning your back on those who are struggling... It doesn't mean taking a vow of poverty or being alone.
These days, we seem to be so afraid of how things may appear that we have lost sight of who Christ is!!! He is the guy who spent some major alone time with a woman who had several husbands and live in boyfriends and was considered the town slut. HE hung out with her!!! In fact, he hung out with prostitutes and sinners. That was what he was known for!!
What kind of reputation was He after?
He wasn't.
He didn't care what people said. He was there for everyone and anyone and to heck with anyone that didn't care for how He did that. There was a time to be quietly firm... but a time to be in your face as well. I am learning to stand up for my family.... and for me. Part of me hates that I have to put someone else out... but I am now putting my job as head of this household ahead of people who aren't in this household... and I am not sorry... nor do I feel guilty.
I will make friends and maintain them at my comfort level.... I keep in close contact with those who are uplifting and also have the guts to say... "what's your problem lately? you are all over the place? where is your faith?"
I am also liking the encouragement... "I'm proud of you" "great job"... this goes a long way.
There are those who treat me like Jesus would who don't even know Him... and I would be happy to make that introduction... and some who know Him and certainly don't treat me (or anyone else) like Christ would.. and that is really sad.
So... thanks to my online journal... I can get all this out... and read it in a month or 2... and be able to look back and see if I remember.
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
And then... I am grounded again!!!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sometimes I think I'm an idiot!!
Yes.... an idiot!
Why is it that when it isn't important to have the right words, they just flow out?? The flow is deep, clear, abundant and simple!! But when its vitally important to have the right words they stick, become murky and cloudy and you end up making yours and someone else's life miserable.... for a time.
Today was one of those days. I can not for the life of me communicate how I feel and think to someone who is incredibly important to me. The more I try, the more mess I am making of it.... so I quit trying.... for now.
I love words. I read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun... but not the phone book as that would be weird. Reading books of all types is a joy to me. Turning a sentence so it drips with the correct meaning is a delight. Insulting someone you care about while trying to do the complete opposite and knowing you wounded their spirit fills me with grief.
And tonight I did that.
And that person does not have access to this blog.
So... I will cry and pray and try again tomorrow...
or... cry and pray and chicken out tomorrow....
Sometimes I think I am a complete idiot...
this is one of those times....
I am so sorry
Why is it that when it isn't important to have the right words, they just flow out?? The flow is deep, clear, abundant and simple!! But when its vitally important to have the right words they stick, become murky and cloudy and you end up making yours and someone else's life miserable.... for a time.
Today was one of those days. I can not for the life of me communicate how I feel and think to someone who is incredibly important to me. The more I try, the more mess I am making of it.... so I quit trying.... for now.
I love words. I read the dictionary and thesaurus for fun... but not the phone book as that would be weird. Reading books of all types is a joy to me. Turning a sentence so it drips with the correct meaning is a delight. Insulting someone you care about while trying to do the complete opposite and knowing you wounded their spirit fills me with grief.
And tonight I did that.
And that person does not have access to this blog.
So... I will cry and pray and try again tomorrow...
or... cry and pray and chicken out tomorrow....
Sometimes I think I am a complete idiot...
this is one of those times....
I am so sorry
Monday, September 16, 2013
Gone.... all gone...
All the pictures in the blog will never be there again!!
Some of the posts will simply no longer make sense...
How sad is that!?!?
lots and lots of triangles with exclamation marks are my new look...
Some of the posts will simply no longer make sense...
How sad is that!?!?
lots and lots of triangles with exclamation marks are my new look...
Dare I??? Dare I???
Regrettably, I am a person who can't resist a good challenge. Just when I think everything is going smoothly... someone issues a challenge either intentionally or by happenstance.
This summer I was challenged and stretched beyond my very boring comfort zone... sometimes by folks I don't even know... and bam!!! My life opened up!!
Caitie is going to completely remake me... her challenges ... dares if you will.... are mainly to have me accept myself and be the best me I can be!
Bonnie, with the hair thing, every month is a dare!!! And I rise to the challenge and just let her do what she will my my locks KNOWING if she messes it up too badly.. I know where she lives.
She also challenged me to sing... on a platform... with a microphone ... OH MY!!!
I'm the one who would just mouth the words in church if there were someone sitting directly in front of me!!
So now.... a wee challenge... just a thought of a challenge... it was a 'YOU SHOULD"...
You should blog!!!
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
And it just so happened I already had one!! I had loved my online journal and now am in a place to pick it up again!!
This had been put to rest because I really don't want to be in the head of the woman who had been living in her own private hell.... I want to remember the woman who came out the other side... stronger and more sure of my Heavenly Father than ever!!
I want to remember my kids... and my grandkids... and have them know me..
And if y'all are bored enough to read my drivel.. s'ok with me.
Warning... I fall into moods where grammar is left off the blog and whatever comes out, comes out!!
Welcome back to this mess!! Not sure how I got into it and really have no desire to get completely out of it!!
The blog was an accident in the beginning.. the name of it was a cry for blogger help me get out of this bloggy mess!!! But ... I really love it... my baby!!
Thanks Francine!!
This summer I was challenged and stretched beyond my very boring comfort zone... sometimes by folks I don't even know... and bam!!! My life opened up!!
Caitie is going to completely remake me... her challenges ... dares if you will.... are mainly to have me accept myself and be the best me I can be!
Bonnie, with the hair thing, every month is a dare!!! And I rise to the challenge and just let her do what she will my my locks KNOWING if she messes it up too badly.. I know where she lives.
She also challenged me to sing... on a platform... with a microphone ... OH MY!!!
I'm the one who would just mouth the words in church if there were someone sitting directly in front of me!!
So now.... a wee challenge... just a thought of a challenge... it was a 'YOU SHOULD"...
You should blog!!!
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
And it just so happened I already had one!! I had loved my online journal and now am in a place to pick it up again!!
This had been put to rest because I really don't want to be in the head of the woman who had been living in her own private hell.... I want to remember the woman who came out the other side... stronger and more sure of my Heavenly Father than ever!!
I want to remember my kids... and my grandkids... and have them know me..
And if y'all are bored enough to read my drivel.. s'ok with me.
Warning... I fall into moods where grammar is left off the blog and whatever comes out, comes out!!
Welcome back to this mess!! Not sure how I got into it and really have no desire to get completely out of it!!
The blog was an accident in the beginning.. the name of it was a cry for blogger help me get out of this bloggy mess!!! But ... I really love it... my baby!!
Thanks Francine!!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Another night....
I am constantly amazed at a teenagers mind.
"Mom, I PROMISE I will leave my phone on and you can call anytime to check on me..."
"No, I am NOT going to be late!"
"Why do you keep talking about it... I won't be late and you can call anytime."
2 AM rolls around. After 2 hours of calling a cell phone that no one answers... and a good hour of prayer for that child's safety... the kid comes home.
"I'm not THAT late. My cell phone died... oops sorry!"
"Why are you ticked off? You could have gone to sleep."
"I have no idea why you say I am not considerate of anyone but myself... YOU'RE the one who decided to stay up this late."
And she wonders why I don't let her go out much.
"Mom, I PROMISE I will leave my phone on and you can call anytime to check on me..."
"No, I am NOT going to be late!"
"Why do you keep talking about it... I won't be late and you can call anytime."
2 AM rolls around. After 2 hours of calling a cell phone that no one answers... and a good hour of prayer for that child's safety... the kid comes home.
"I'm not THAT late. My cell phone died... oops sorry!"
"Why are you ticked off? You could have gone to sleep."
"I have no idea why you say I am not considerate of anyone but myself... YOU'RE the one who decided to stay up this late."
And she wonders why I don't let her go out much.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Stranger and Stranger still...
We had some interesting company last night. My brother, Tim, who lives out west flew in to surprise the fam. And it was quite a surprise. My "other brother".. Jeff.. brought Tim and a friend, Joel, over.
This is Jeff, Tim and I.
Tim is not an axe murderer regardless of how much he looks like one.
Joel is one of the funniest people I know.. always has been!
Jeff is just happy to be let in out of the cold.
He has a little space issue!!
Poor Teddy. He is ready for the next installment of the Grinch.
The children weren't quite sure what hit the house. Lots of laughs. Courtney thinks they are all crazy.. and wants to know when they are coming back. She even called her Uncle J to find out when they would be returning. Not today, child... not today!!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
My Ugly Frog has been defeated!!!
Ok, this has been a loooong day. My hands and feet are cramped.
... but my mudroom looks great!! The kids were freaking when I kept saying bring me all the coats, all the boots, mittens, ski pants... bring it all in!!
"But it won't fit! We want it to look good!"
I wouldn't cheat though.. it was amazing to get it all in!!!
This is the door that was covered by the big wardrobe. I'm not really sure who put the wardrobe in front of the door... The drawers on the wardrobe are labelled for hats, mittens and scarves. I love my new labeller and hardly have any chance to use it.
... but my mudroom looks great!! The kids were freaking when I kept saying bring me all the coats, all the boots, mittens, ski pants... bring it all in!!
"But it won't fit! We want it to look good!"
I wouldn't cheat though.. it was amazing to get it all in!!!
This is the door that was covered by the big wardrobe. I'm not really sure who put the wardrobe in front of the door... The drawers on the wardrobe are labelled for hats, mittens and scarves. I love my new labeller and hardly have any chance to use it.
I decided I had never taken ownership of this closet. It was depressing. Now it has 2 coats of fresh paint... actually the whole room does. The colour is called Scrimshaw Ivory.. tint 1 from Para.
This corner still isn't real pretty, but honesty is important here. I needed a spot to store a few things. Here they are. There are no steps to this outer door.. and a 10 foot drop... so I don't mind covering it up.
Here is my bench. Now it is able to be used!! whooo hooo!! I need to get my curtains up, but that is a job for another day. I'm tired.
There you go, Jenn. One ugly frog taken care of!!
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